I write a lot of posts about developing writing skills. I share help with plotting, character development, descriptions, and much, much more.

But the best skill you’ll ever learn as a writer is setting boundaries, and it’s something I’m getting much better at lately. This is such an important and difficult topic, and I hope this post helps!

First, let’s talk about why we sometimes let other people overstep our boundaries

Fear Leads to Poor Work-Life Boundaries

Writers who feel economic insecurity may have a hard time saying no at their day job, which hurts their creative life. And writers may have some very good reasons for that fear. In the U.S., without a full-time job with benefits, health care is prohibitively expensive—so much so that any serious health condition can bankrupt you. If a writer has children who are depending on them, that creates enormous economic pressure.

A previous layoff (or two), the knowledge that one works in a specialized field in which openings are scarce, the knowledge that one may face particular challenges in a job search due to a disability, age, a difference of appearance, or other reasons…all these things and more can lead to a sense of economic insecurity.

The truth is, though, that nothing will make us invulnerable to layoffs. Workaholics get laid off all the time. When we say yes to everything, when we’re available at all hours, when we take on absurd workloads without complaint, we’re rarely rewarded for it in the end. And in the meantime, we’re harming not only our writing, but ourselves.

I have a big story I could tell about my own personal experience with poor work-life boundaries, and maybe someday, I will! But for now, I’ll just say that I know lots of us have struggled with this.

Equating Productivity With Morality Also Leads to Poor Work-Life Boundaries

Economic insecurity aside, many of us labor (literally) under the assumption that being amazingly productive at work makes us a good person. This assumption can be great for C-suite executives and owners who benefit the most from employees’ work. For the rest of us, it’s destructive.

If we simultaneously believe that our value is in our productivity, and that humans have intrinsic worth…well, those are contradictory beliefs, and the cognitive dissonance of holding them both at the same time creates mental and spiritual stress.

The belief that our personal worth is based on our performance leaves us feeling constantly guilty, anxious, and unable to draw healthy boundaries. This is bad for our health and happiness, and it’s bad for our writing.

This focus on productivity can also turn the joy of writing itself into a chore. We may begin to judge the validity of our writing on whether we have yet put out a product for sale, whether it’s sold a certain number of copies, and so on, instead of recognizing the value of creativity for its own sake.

Even as accomplished authors, equating productivity with morality can lead us down the wrong paths, both as creators and as professionals.

Guilt About Writing Time Leads to Poor Relationship Boundaries

I’m married to someone I met in a writing program, so he’s very respectful of my needing time to write. If he starts to talk to me and I say, “Not right now—I’m mid-thought” (which happened as I was writing this piece!), he understands.

Not everyone is so lucky. And some people in relationships struggle to stand up for their private time to write. After all, they tell themselves, they don’t want to be selfish. They should be glad that their partner wants to spend more time with them! Their boyfriend is probably right, they start to think; the writing is probably a waste of time, anyway.

Writers often have a lot of empathy, which can also lead to getting over-committed to community and nonprofit causes. Someone has to answer the hotline. The church needs more volunteers. This horrible new law isn’t going to protest itself.

The truth is, though, that it’s all right to take private time for writing, even if someone we love wanted to do something else, and even if it means saying no to a volunteer opportunity. If we want to write and refuse to let ourselves do it, we’ll become stressed, frustrated, and even resentful and bitter toward others—even if we did it to ourselves.

Unfair Expectations for Parents

A lot of very good moms have told me, only a little jokingly, “I’m a terrible mom.” They’ve used those exact words. But this is because they’ve somehow absorbed an idea of motherhood that is so unattainable as to be pure fantasy. They should make an endless stream of delicious homemade meals, set up play dates for their children, take them on culturally enriching outings, limit their screen time, make sure they go to bed at the same time every night, in their own bed, and on and on…or else the mother has failed.

Mothers in Western countries today spend twice as much time with their children as they did fifty years ago…while being much more likely to work outside the home, part-time or full-time. Fathers spend four times as many hours with their children as they did fifty years ago, though still a little less time than mothers. (France is the exception to this trend; parents there are spending less time with kids.)

No matter how much time people put into parenting, there’s always going to be someone telling them they should’ve also done this or that. This is only my observation as an intentionally child-free person, but I think there’s a kind of parental guilt that’s a bottomless hole. No amount of good parental deeds will fill it up. You have to cover the hole with a plate of iron and leave it alone. If your child’s basic needs are taken care of to the best of your ability, and if they know they are loved, you’re a good parent. And it’s okay for you to take time for yourself, including time to write. They will always learn more from your example than from what you say, and you’re showing them by example that it’s okay for them to prioritize their well-being and what they love to do.

What Do Boundaries Sound Like For Writers?

Writers who knows how to set boundaries will find themselves saying things like this.

To Employers and Coworkers

“I can’t do that on Saturday. I have a conflict.”

“I’m going on my lunch break.”

(email auto response) “I am on vacation and will be back in the office on Monday, July 18. Please reach out to me again at that time.”

“I keep spreadsheets of how much time I spend on each of my projects. Let’s take a look at those, and you can tell me which project to stop doing in order to make time for this new one.”

To Partners, Family Members, Friends, and Community Members

“I’m going to spend every Sunday afternoon writing at the library.”

“Please don’t interrupt me for the next two hours unless it’s an emergency.”

“I don’t have time to volunteer for this.”

“I’m resigning from this committee effective August 1.”

To Agents and Publishers

“That deadline sounds pretty tight. Let’s make it six months later to allow for any unforeseen complications.”

“I don’t feel comfortable writing two books at once.”

“I don’t want to write in that genre.”

Agents and publishers don’t know about your capacity or your preferences. You do. It’s okay for them to make requests, and it’s okay for you to say no.

You Have a Right to Write

In the end, you have to remember that you have a right to create. Even if your partner doesn’t care about your writing. Even if you have a busy job, children at home, or other demands. Even if it never makes money. When you make space for your writing, you’re not being selfish or impractical. You’re being reasonable.

Setting boundaries really is the best skill you can learn as a writer. If you master that, you’ll have plenty of time to learn anything else you need to know.

Do you struggle to set boundaries as a writer? Do you have a story to tell about it? Have you found ways to set better work life boundaries or personal boundaries? Let us know in the comments! We can all learn from one another. Thanks so much for reading, and happy writing!

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