A few weeks back, I spent some time on online forums where high school students were talking about applying to colleges. It was research for a very short scene in The Equinox Stone (and I am always guilty of over-researching in my writing.)

I was really struck by how these kids seemed to think their future prospects and their whole lives would be dictated by where they went to college.  They seemed to think if they didn’t get into one of their favorite schools, or if they went to community college and then university, they were doomed for a mediocre life.

 

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Obviously, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve known people who have gone to Ivy League schools and gone on to struggle. But more important, one of the most successful people I know, in every sphere of his life (okay, he’s my brother), went to community college and then a state school.

Hopefully my brother never reads this, because it would embarrass him, but I know he never once thought to himself, “Oh, well, I’m just a community college student; I probably don’t have a lot of prospects.” He always saw all the possibilities.

There are lots of different ways that people settle.

I see people settle in their creative aspirations all the time. “I guess I’ll never find an audience.” “I’m too old to learn how to do this.” “If I were going to have success, it would’ve happened by now.”

I’ve seen people settle in their personal lives. “My boyfriend’s mean to me, but it’s not abuse…and it’s like I could ever find anyone better.” “It’s impossible to make friends in this town.” “I’m 21 and I’m unattractive and I’ve never even kissed anyone; it’s over.”

These thoughts aren’t based in reality. 21-year-olds who have never dated go on to find great relationships and happy marriages. There are people we could be friends with in every town. It’s not unusual for people find creative success later in life. Honestly, people make millions after going to community college all the time.

 

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Most dreams don’t have an expiration date.

There are a few that do. For instance, you probably won’t become an Olympic skiier if you take up skiing at sixty. (It would be wonderful if you proved me wrong, and honestly, stranger things have happened in my lifetime.)

In cases like these, you can ask yourself: what was it about these dreams that you really wanted? If you wanted to be in peak physical condition, win an award, and travel to a foreign country, maybe there are ways to do those things.

But most wishes don’t have an expiration date. We just give up on them too easily.

Have you ever gone to a grocery store or a Target to pick up one specific item, started shopping, and then wound up leaving the store without getting what you came for? I’ve done that more than once. I think some of us can do that with life, too. So every once in a while, I have to remind myself, “Get what you came for.”

 

Admittedly, following your dreams can kind of suck.

It’s a ton of work, and it involves a lot of failure and rejection.

If you’re trying to be a playwright, you may rewrite the third act of your play eleven times and then submit it to forty-one contests. That’s exhausting.

If you’re dating, it might involve anxiety, vulnerability, awkwardness, and heartbreak.

The reason we settle is that not settling is hard, uncomfortable, and sometimes even painful. When we decide that we’re a victim of our circumstances, and there’s no way for things to get dramatically better, it makes life a lot easier and more comfortable. We can go to work, come home, scroll Facebook, watch TV.

 

What sucks even more? Not following your dreams.

If you’re settling in life, you know it. And at least part of you resents it. That resentment can come out in weariness, cynicism, and depression.

Some people who have settled become the kind of people who discourage others. They secretly want to see their friend’s podcast fail, because who does their friend think she is, starting a podcast? They’ll go out of their way to write devastating Yelp reviews.

But most people who settle are super-nice people who have come to see life as something to be endured and gotten through, rather than explored and enjoyed to the fullest.

My experience in following my dreams is that mostly, it doesn’t work. But once in a great while, something hits, and it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes all the other failed efforts worth it.

In the next week or two, as you live your life, think about this:

 

Nothing’s Settled Until You Settle.

If you’ve failed at something a bunch of times, so what? I’m sure you’ve heard about Edison failing over 1,000 times before creating light bulbs that worked. You know, light bulbs…our most common symbol for enlightenment, breakthrough ideas, and inspiration?

 

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A lot of the people we think of as geniuses and successes have failed a lot. Elon Musk, 40th richest person in the world, co-founder and CEO of Tesla, Space X, and other companies, was ousted out of his own first company, ousted out of his second company, and the his first two rocket launches exploded—personal failure on the most public, dramatic, and embarrassing scale imaginable. Actually, Space X has had several launch failures. But they just keep on launching things.

If you’re old, who cares? It just means you have a lot more life experience and wisdom to bring to whatever you’re doing. There is nothing more inspiring than old people than doing awesome things.

In any sphere of your life—your family, your friends, your love life, your career, your free time—you don’t have to accept the status quo. Your life is still filled with possibilities.

 

 

Are there ways in which you’re refusing to settle? Is there an area of your life in which you’re tired of settling? We’d love to hear about it in the comments! Thanks for reading, and I’m sending you good wishes for the future!