When I teach writing workshops and people share their drafts with the rest of the class for critique, I have a strict rule: you’re not allowed to apologize for your writing.
This rule drives some people crazy. They want to make an excuse for why they wrote it or sneak a “I know this is really rough” in there. (Of course it’s rough. If it were finished and perfect, why would we be workshopping it?!)
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I set the rule for a couple of reasons. I want the class to evaluate the work without being swayed by an opinion up front. I also want people to get used to the idea that they’re allowed to create, and they’re even allowed to create something imperfect. (This is also one of the reasons why I do WIP Wednesdays, like we’re going to do tomorrow!)
I think there are a few reasons we apologize for our writing. Sometimes it can be an implicit request for encouragement and support — a cue for someone to say, “No, it’s really pretty good!” Even more often, it’s out of pride. We want everyone to understand that we know what excellent work is, even if we haven’t produced it in this particular instance.
Lots of us don’t just do this with our work. We do it with ourselves, too, at our jobs and in our personal life. In so many situations, we make self-deprecating comments when they’re unnecessary, and even when they’re clearly untrue. It’s a subtle way that we say no to ourselves, and just to be clear, I do it myself all the time.
I’m really awkward.
This might be a dumb idea, but…
I’m such a flake.
I’m a terrible mom.
(I’ve heard every mom I know say that last thing exactly, by the way, and they’re all good moms. It’s absolutely bizarre.) In general, why are we saying so many mean things about ourselves? and especially, why do we spread mean flat-out lies about ourselves?
Again, I think it’s often an indirect request for support. We’re hoping people will chime in and say, “No, that’s a good idea.” Or at least, we’re hoping they’ll think to themselves, “Aww, I don’t think he’s awkward. He’s charming!”
And again, it can be a way of expressing that we have really high standards for ourselves. “Wow, if she thinks letting her kid watch TV for a few hours makes her a bad mom, she must actually be an amazing, dedicated mom!”
Friends. This strategy is backfiring on you, and here’s why.
A lot of people don’t have much time to think about you, because they have a busy schedule of thinking nonstop about themselves. People are incredibly likely to take what you tell them about yourself at face value. If you say before your presentation, “I’m not the best presenter,” they will register this as fact before zoning out and thinking about themselves during your actual talk.
And here’s the other thing. You, also, are likely to believe all the crappy things you say about yourself. Think about it. You’re right there, after all, hearing that negative stuff, all the time. Of course it’s going to have an effect.
The fact that people believe what you tell them about yourself is actually good news. You say in two different meetings, “I love reading about the latest tech,” and boom, you’ve got a reputation in the office as someone who stays current on the latest technology… and on your lunch hour you’re lingering over TechCrunch instead of Facebook, because you went and convinced yourself, too.
You tell a couple of friends, “I love exercising in the morning,” and the next thing you know, you just woke up at five-thirty in the morning and your brain is saying, “Hey, you know what’s awesome? Exercising.” Now before, maybe your brain was saying, “You know what’s awesome? Sleeping in and then eating a pile of bacon.” But you threw your brain off of its usual game.
If you’re saying something bad about yourself in order to ask for encouragement, try this one weird trick instead: ask for encouragement. Like this!
Please tell me I’m a good mom because I’m not feeling it right now.
I feel this close to giving up painting entirely. I could use an encouraging word.
I think you’ll find that plenty of people are happy to oblige.
People believe what you tell them. You believe what you tell them. We’re all a bunch of gullible hamsters. So try not to say such bad things about yourself. Maybe even say something good.
Whoa. This is a wonderful, timely article, Brynn. Thank you so much for publishing this. I’ve changed my eating habits lately–only allowing myself once meat-centered meal a week–and for the longest time, I was negative about it. “Ugh, I hate this. I miss hamburgers. Salads are so boring.” But after learning a bit about all the nutrition I’m getting now and seeing how awesome I feel–not to mention the truly delicious recipes I’ve found–I don’t say those things anymore. It’s more like, “OMG! This lentil soup is amazing! How could I think hamburgers are better than this?” It’s made a huge difference.
Fiona, congratulations on the healthy eating habits — that is pretty inspiring to me! And it’s so great that a change in thinking helped you do it. Thanks for the kind words, too!
Great message! Timeless wisdom.
Aw thanks Donna. Thanks for reading!
I am a gullible hamster! That metaphor made me smile. But this is so true! I hadn’t applied to writing before, mainly just to school presentations and that sort of thing. I try not to say negative things about myself or my work, and I tend to roll my eyes a bit when other people do (about themselves, not me). Why point out flaws that people might not have noticed? Sure, I may notice that I stammered, or played a wrong piano note, or pronounced something incorrectly. Even though I notice my flaws, in an effort to avoid them, I hope other people pay more attention to the good points of whatever I’m doing. They can’t do that if I go: “hey look, I made a mistake!”
“Why point out flaws that people might not have noticed?” YES, exactly! It applies to so many things. Thanks for commenting — I always appreciate hearing what you have to say 🙂
This took practice, practice, practice. When my sister pointed out how many sentences I was throwing into my blog posts either downplaying their importance or my own abilities, I was shocked. I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it. This is mostly a female-writer problem, in my experience… I went back and removed every apologetic, dismissive, or negative comment I made about my own writing IN MY OWN BLOG and damn I felt better. It reads better too.
I was thinking about how this does tend to be more of a women’s problem. It’s funny… I know a woman who started a small publishing house, and she said there was a big difference (in general) in submissions between men and women, with women making all kind of self-deprecating remarks in their cover letters.
I LOVE it that you purged all the self-deprecation from your blog! I am new agey enough to think that’s better luck for you, besides just being better psychologically. Plus… you’re a really good writer and blogger!
Thank you! That means a lot coming from you. 🙂
well said. You really have to watch yourself not to do this in my experience.
Thanks, Jane! Yeah, it’s a really hard habit to break, at least for me!
I totally agree with this! I’m always doing that to myself. “It’s such a rough draft … I know it looks kind of bad … don’t expect much … I’m totally going to miss this basket … this sounds so stupid … it’s a terrible idea …”
Why am I saying this about myself, my writing, my makeup, everything about me? I know why, maybe; I’m trying to act humbler than I am. To tell the truth, I think I’m maybe a little egocentric … I don’t know; perhaps I just imagine it. Anyway, I feel like I have to insult myself so everyone won’t think I’m an idiot. But … well, I don’t have to compliment myself, either! I could just keep my mouth shut. I sound insecure if I go on like that. Is sounding insecure any worse than sounding like a narcissist? Well, maybe a little, but not much. If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say it!
Thanks for the post! I needed to hear this. 🙂
Yeah, I think there’s a stigma about actually thinking you’re pretty good. Personally I kind of dig it when someone says, “Look at this selfie, I’m having a good hair day!” or “I love how this writing turned out!” It’s kind of refreshing. 😀
Thanks for commenting, Kellyn — I always love hearing from you. 🙂
You are so wise. This is great practical advice. I know that I do this out of pride (I CAN do better than this, I am aware of what excellent writing looks like) and sometimes to lower expectations or to communicate humility so no one thinks I’m stuck up. I think it is a gendered behavior, and it’s not a crime, but it does have negative side affects! People do believe you! They are like…oh don’t worry, it’s not that bad. And I’m thinking “What do you mean??!! It’s GREAT!” LOLOL. And you also end up believing it yourself! I totally agree. Ditch it.
*I will also confess to apologizing for ‘the mess’ after I’ve been cleaning for four hours. I want people to think that my standards for cleanliness are much higher than they actually are. 😀
“And I’m thinking “What do you mean??!! It’s GREAT!” ” I laughed so hard at this because I have had that exact experience! Oh my goodness.
Oh yeah, I have totally apologized for a mess after cleaning for hours. I should uh, stop that.
Thanks for commenting, hon 🙂
An excellent post Bryn, Thank you! and something I could correlate too. I hear my mom going on about how she hasn’t done enough or having a bad day where she feels “fat, horrible, and depressed..” or constantly apologizing about something we do well I do that with my writings too I pledge to work on that. It’s refreshing when you’re appreciated just out of the blue..:-p
Thanks, Niyamat. You made me think about how important it is, too, to give people compliments and great feedback, because you never know when someone’s having a day when they’re feeling down. ~ Thanks for commenting!
Excellent post, Bryn! I immediately e-mailed it to four friends and plan to share it in all my social networking. Thank you!
Aww thanks, Kathryn. And thank you for sharing — that is a great compliment and I really appreciate it!
Great post – I’d thought before about negative self-talk but not about what we tell other people. For awhile, I’ve been countering negative self-talk with positive rephrasing but I’ll have to think about how I talk to other people too!
That’s awesome that you’re working on the self-talk. Glad you liked the post, Zara — thanks for the kind feedback!
Yep. Been there, done that! I find that when I’m depressed, it only keeps me that way to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. However, once I realize that I’m depressed (or working myself into a depressive state), I try to remind myself of something I’m really good at. “Look at all those socks you knit by hand! They’re Awesome!” That usually does the trick. And yes, I do knit some awesome socks. 🙂
As for this being a gender-specific thing, I’m not so sure. Yes, you see the name Robin and think I’m a female, but that’s just my pen name. I’m actually a guy. I purposely use this ‘genderless’ name because I write romances. I find that most readers aren’t likely to pick up a romance story if the author’s name is obviously male – with very few exceptions, like Nicholas Sparks. But it took him a while to become a respected romance author.
Anyway, this is another Great post, Bryn! And something we all need to keep in mind. “Don’t berate yourself! You’re a Great Person just the way you are. No apologies needed.” That’s the mantra I use to pull myself out of depression and to generally help me feel better when I’m having a bad day. 🙂
Robin! I did not know you knit awesome socks — I’m impressed! And yeah, I did think you were a woman. 🙂 That will teach me to make assumptions! I should have known better, too, because my first fiction teacher was a guy named Robin. That is very smart to use the pseudonym for romance, because you’re totally right, of course.
Not badmouthing ourselves definitely isn’t gender-specific! I love your mantra. Thanks for commenting!
I have the exact same rule in the creative writing classes I teach! It’s the most difficult rule for my students to follow (other ‘rules’ are to not edit themselves while writing in my class, and to allow themselves to write ‘junk’ – to just GO FOR IT). But so many want to state before they read their work, “Ugh, this is awful,” or “I don’t think I got the exercise right,” or “I can’t believe I wrote this – it’s embarrassing.” Each time, as they begin to say it, I slap my hand on the table and say, “No, no noooo” with a lilt to my voice, and they smile, swallow their words, and read. I feel like I’ve done the best job then, in ‘teaching’ creative writing. JUST DO IT and be proud of what you write. Be proud of yourself!
Thanks for your great post.
Ha, Pamela, I’ve never met another writing teacher who did this — that is awesome! I think there are some writing teachers out there who have made people more scared to write (I’ve heard horror stories), and I think it’s so great that you’re encouraging people to GO FOR IT! 🙂
Great entry. I am so guilty of this.
I mean… most of us are, right? *hugs*
This was just what I needed to read. I just posted a blog post about feeling like a faker with my recent writing accomplishments, and a friend sent me here. 🙂
Sorry for the delayed reply — but I’m so glad it was right message at the right time. 🙂 Thanks Maud!
This is such an issue for me. I’m dealing with depression, and I’m never quite sure how I’m going to feel about my writing.
Rationally, I know I’m good at what I do. I’ve written things that have frightened me, made me laugh–I even made myself cry writing a story once. And I’ve had total strangers all say that I’ve made them feel that way while reading my work. So, on one level, I know I’ve got something.
But there are days where I just feel like I’m wasting my time. Like I should never have taken up writing, to start with. And I let myself believe that, which winds up with me getting blocked. I can’t write when I’m upset, because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. (And I envy any writer who has enough command over themselves to be able to take the negativity, and take that out on their characters. I somehow can’t, though I CAN make them speak for me now and then.)
It’s hard, and it’s frightening. I love the days when everything feels perfect; I suffer through the ones that make me feel like I’m nothing.
I’m sorry you judge your own writing so harshly on some days, and I think lots of people get blocked because of that. It’s pretty obvious just from your thoughtful comments here that you have a knack for writing, and I also think it’s like most things — you get better and better through steady practice.
Sorry if I’m saying the obvious, but you’re a valuable person whether a piece of writing turns out well or not, and there’s really no such thing as “perfect” in writing. I hope you can try to concentrate on the pleasure of writing itself without constantly thinking about whether you measure up. And maybe try telling that mean, critical voice in your head to shut up? Or argue with it and tell it that it’s wrong. 🙂 You deserve to feel better about your writing!
Thank you for your sharp thinking. Like this article a lot, and may quote it in a book I am trying to write instead of answering more emails. So that is high praise, not simple flattery. Toward the end, you might – perhaps, maybe – have run out of just a bit of your steam. Come on, (he said toyingly, not in a critical way), if it were as easy as saying to ourselves or even others, “I love to exercise at five in the morning,” we would all be in pretty good shape both mentally and physically. This sounds like a topic for a Part II article where you research and think this last conclusion through to a perhaps more nuanced conclusion. Some thoughts: Why don’t we just tell ourselves we love something, and voila it works into our psyche? Acting like we enjoy something before we actually do is assistive, but not all that defining. Accepting that others believe what you say, first and often before they have experience, and due to their small sampling is one thing. Why out of all we say to ourselves every waking hour, however do we focus on the negative so often? Is it natural selection? Did our line of cavemen worry a lot about a sabre tooth waiting just outside the cave opening – and indeed that eventually proved to be a justified concern? John Maxwell tells sales managers to focus on improving the As and Bs. This is because they do more to begin with, and the return on improving them even five percent is tremendous in terms of gain. Working on the Cs Ds and Fs might at best get them up to an average-poor return on time invested. Is this how we work, or is this how we should work (in our minds)? Cannot wait for your next article!