A few weeks ago, because of my job, Mr. Donovan and I moved from Kansas City to Los Angeles with our three high-strung terriers.
We haven’t known a lot of people to make a big move across the country in the middle of their lives. And I think there are really good reasons why they don’t.
For me, Kansas City was filled with friends and memories. A few times in the weeks leading up to the move, I had bouts of sobbing as I thought how the best time in my life might be over.
The move involved a lot of serious physical labor. We downsized from a four-bedroom home with a basement and a garage, where we’d lived for many years, to a two-bedroom apartment with far fewer closets. We had a not-well-organized yard sale on a freezing spring day, and we took numerous hauls to the thrift stores. We rented a dumpster to throw things away…and a week later, rented one again.
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Going through all of our stuff was an emotional experience, too. Gifts, exercise DVDs, craft supplies, half-finished projects, and old photos and letters confronted me at every turn with regrets, poor choices, missed opportunities, and loss. The movers broke an award given to Mr. Donovan by his grateful coworkers. (Psst: I’m going to recreate it and give it to him.)
All of our remaining worldly belongings were packed up on a truck that didn’t arrive in Los Angeles until a week after we did. In our new apartment, we slept on air beds, and I shivered because the heat wasn’t working and L.A. was shockingly cold for May. When our stuff finally did arrive, we realized we had to buy lots of bookshelves and furniture with storage. (Mr. Donovan is now an expert at assembling furniture.)
Going through moving boxes was a surreal experience. Vital items — flash drives with all of Mr. Donovan’s writing, the coffeemaker — were mixed in with things that should’ve already been pitched. Fragile keepsakes and half-empty bottles of liquid soap were wrapped in paper with equal care.
Now, as we’re getting settled, some really good things are happening.
My BFF J.R. Boles, who is a genius, suggested Malbec Mondays — a few of us using Google Hangout to get together and drink wine and talk. We’ve already done it once, and it gave me life.
Now that we have gotten rid of so much stuff, I feel lighter…not to mention, incredibly organized.
Instead of emailing and calling my coworkers, as I did when I was working remotely, I get to see them every day and feel like I’m actually part of the company.
This all feels a lot like being in my 20s again.
I remember a For Better or Worse comic by Lynn Johnston in which a senior couple moves into a small assisted-living apartment, and it reminds them of their first apartment as newlyweds. I can relate.
And I remember an ad from some financial services firm that I saw maybe twenty years ago. It showed a mature man standing to the left of his twenty-something son, and it said something like, “You’re excited. You’re starting a new chapter. You’ve got new ideas and plans. You’re the guy on the left.” I loved that ad…and now I know why. It’s me.
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When I invite people at the office to lunch, to get to know them, I remember when I first started at Shoebox Greetings and started getting to know people who mean so much to me now.
Mr. Donovan and I have a big, exciting city to explore. The beach, tourist hotspots, cool neighborhoods… they’re all right here, and it’s a huge adventure.
Have you ever packed up and started a whole new life…in a new neighborhood, a new part of the country, or even a new country? What was it like for you? I’d love to hear about it in the comments! Thanks so much for reading, and have a great week!
Overall, I think new moves are great – fresh beginnings. We finally settled in our house in 2009 and are likely to stay. But after we were married (ages 30 and 32) we moved from NY to Africa for a year (and lived in 3 different countries there), then came back to NY and moved to a new apartment, then to Staten Island, then to an apartment in France, then to another apartment, before settling in our house. So I do feel your pain. It’s exhausting, especially when you’re starting completely over in a faraway place. Good luck!
Jennie, those are some huge moves! And a lot of them! I bet when you go to so many places, you learn a lot about yourself. Thanks for the good wishes!
We’ve recreated our lives a couple times in 2004, when the company my husband worked for went bankrupt and the federal judge awarded the company the employees pension holdings… We made the decision to follow an old dream of his instead of hang with the company and keep hoping it would work. (BTW, it no longer exists, so we made the right decision). We sold our house for full asking price to the first person that looked at it and used that money to buy a catamaran, which was smaller than our old deck, but big enough for an adventure. Then we spent a frantic 6 weeks downsizing & managed to get to the point of storing things we’d ‘eventually want’ in a 20′ storage container, donating to a lot of charities, and keeping the bits to move onto EvenStar.
We set sail from Annapolis in June of 2004 – that was the year there were so many hurricanes that they needed the Greek alphabet So, we got very good at finding safe places to ride out storms, while we toured the Intercostal Waterway. We spent Thanksgiving at a cruisers’s potluck in Florida, then headed into blue water to celebrate Christmas in the Bahamas. By Easter of 2005, we were in Columbia, then later, we went through the Panama Canal and continued our adventures. EvenStar is still in the Pacific, but now has a new captain and in 2011, we returned to the US to begin new adventures of our own.
Jeanne, WOWWWW. I had no idea you did this! What an amazing adventure! I am so impressed, too. I can only imagine. Thanks for sharing!
Bryn, very few people know what we were doing between 2004 & 2011 because wifi was quite iffy. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Jeanne
I was in the military so I moved around quite a bit. When I met my now wife, I had a house in the suburb of a major metro area. She’d never lived anywhere but on a farm with her family and in a rented farmhouse just down the road from theirs, both close to a tiny village where her grandparents lived. She lived there with me for a couple of years then, 4 1/2 years ago we moved to the rural village of her roots into a home of our own. I made the adjustment quicker than she did, I think. Her whole family is here in the village, a plus and, at times, a minus. It’s vastly different than living in suburban sprawl but you can’t beat the community spirit and having great neighbors. Everyone knows everyone and everyone helps everyone.
Anne, that first move must’ve been quite an adjustment for your wife. And the second one sounds like a big adjustment for you! It sounds like a lovely place to live, though!
Oh, yes. Before I met my husband, I never, not once in my entire life, lived at any single address longer than four years. Four years was the record, it was usually a lot less. My dad never seemed to be able to stay put longer than that, and when I got old enough to make my own choices about where to live, it turned out that I suffered from the same restlessness he did. I’ve lived in five different states from AZ to NJ, and I don’t even know in how many different towns/addresses. And then I landed in Flagstaff, and now I’ve been in this same house for almost 15 years.
I am so excited for you and this amazing new adventure you’re just starting! So many wonderful things in store for you!
Wow, I did not know this about you! So Flagstaff has been very different from your life before then. 🙂 I love Flagstaff so much, though, as you know. 🙂 –Yeah, L.A. really is a big adventure! You have to come out and see us!!
Welcome to California!!!
Thank you so much, Jess!
You’re starting a new chapter. So many possibilities. So many new chances. Change is never easy. There is pain and sorrow as we miss our old lives and are not ready, sometimes, for the new. Soon the strange will become familiar. Grief transforms to joy. And you find you have grown in ways you did not expect. Ways you could not evolve in your old life. Good luck and God Bless, Bryn.
Lisa, thank you so much for the words of wisdom and the good wishes. That is beautiful. <3
We moved from Indiana to South Dakota with our 9 month old son. 16 hours from any family and friends. We grew up so much and learned to depend on each other. We forced ourselves to make new friends (for example inviting ourselves over to their home for Thanksgiving!). We have since moved back. But those 3 years were scary and exciting and we made forever friends.
Diana, that sounds like a huge move. And I’m doing the same thing and forcing myself to make new friends! Inviting yourself over for Thanksgiving…hahaha, I like it!
I feel you, though I am definitely younger than the rest in this chain. I had lived in the same area for most of my life, two different houses, but same area. After high school I moved out of state with my parents for college which was a huge transition from the beach town I had been in. Now the mountains stand guard instead of the sea.
Raya, I like how you worded that: “Now the mountains stand guard instead of the sea.” I bet that really was a big change leaving your beach town! For us, it’s still very strange to have the ocean so close. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
14 years ago we quit our comfortable jobs in Chicago and moved with 2 cats and a bun in the oven to rural Kansas, where we bought our first house which was also a business. 2004 was a big year for us.
Now we’re looking at possibly moving to Austin in late 2019. this time it’ll be with a teen and a tween and 2 (different) cats. I’ve been allegedly in clearing mode for over a year, but you wouldn’t know it from looking at this place. It will be . . . Interesting to downsize from a 3-bedroom house to an apartment.
Rachel, I didn’t know how that came to be…wow. That was a crazy, amazing thing to do! I’ve heard good things about Austin. It’s good to have a little time to clear out, hahaha. I’m amazing that we pretty much have a place for everything in our new apartment now. I wasn’t sure we’d ever get to the point where we didn’t have boxes everywhere! If you do the move to Austin, I want to hear everything about it!!
Thanks for the post Bryn. Fantastic timing. My husband and I have been discussing, and planning, for his retirement (most likely in five years). Seems like we are getting a head start and should be fine, but anxiety has set in also. Almost all of the things you mentioned are starting to come into play here: We had a huge (fairly organized) garage sale last week – and hauled most of it to the donation center – which was full by the way (lots of garage sales last weekend) and I had to drive further to find the next one. We are considering moving South to a warmer climate than Pennsylvania offers. It’s an exciting and bittersweet prospect. All of our family is here and we will miss them, of course. Downsizing is already a daunting project but creates the upside of much less maintenance. But, just the other day, I was thinking about all of the other adjustments we have made in 27 years. There were many and so far, they have all worked out just fine. We learn and grow as we go… 🙂 Thanks again for the encouraging words.
Hi, Cheryl! That is exciting…and daunting. I can see why it would cause a lot of anxiety, too. I bet you guys are going to love your new life.
We moved back to our hometown, Joplin, MO., a year and one-half ago. We left here in 1991, because of my husband’s job. We were in Oklahoma and Texas, then moved to a major Missouri lake when he had to take early retirement because his company sold. The first move was a huge adjustment for me. The second went smoother. The third was exciting because we were back in Missouri and on a lake to boot, our lifetime dream. We spent twenty-one years there.
Our move back home was difficult but necessary. My husband was reluctant, but keeping up a lake place is a lot of work and we began to realize if we wanted to spend time traveling and see more of the world, we could never do it where we were.
We moved into a much smaller house, but one that is easy upkeep. We, too, had to throw away things we hung onto all those previous moves. Things that it broke my heart to get rid of, but I had to reason with myself that it was best to let them go.
Even with all the sorting and tossing, I still have plastic bins stacked in the garage that need sorting with more tossing.
The upside of the move though, we are closer to family, have reconnected with old friends, and took a wonderful three week vacation last summer that we dreamed about for years. We can get anywhere in town in less than ten minutes, vs an hour to shopping and medical care where we were at the lake. That’s a big plus. In addition, I have found an amazing writers group and excellent critique partners.
Relocating is all about acceptance and finding the best of what the location has to offer. A positive attitude and a determination to make it a fun experience will get you through those feelings of being a stranger in a foreign land. Best of luck to you, Bryn. Keep smiling. You’ve got this.
Bonnie, you totally understand about the hard parts of downsizing. It sounds like overall, it was a great move. That’s a great writer’s community in Joplin! I appreciate the advice, too. Thanks for commenting!
Dad was a serving Air Force officer in the cold war. After flying B-24s over Europe in World War II, he stayed in, shifting into intellegence: the guys who would learn everything they could about the country’s enemies and more than a little about our allies to prepare information to make our warfighters more successful. That meant we moved, moved, and moved throughout my youth. I left Texas before I was a year old, and remember Alaska, Nebraska, Two different bases in Germany, and then we settled into the Washington, DC region where Daddy would complain of having to deliver briefings in the Pentagon Whenever his bosses felt he was the right guy to talk to them. We weren’t allowed to answer ANY questions about where Dad was, not even was he home or not. Over the next few years we moved on and off base and around the same base in suburban Maryland (an Army base- Air Force Intelligence officers serve where the facilities are, not where other Air Force officers are) instead of to different regions. Once I married, I moved around from apartment to apartment until we bought a house, and divorce meant more moves. Now in my second marriage, my wife swears we’re going to live in this particular townhouse the rest of her life. (Over the years I’ve learned that probably means at least two more moves.) Most of my moving was young, but I’m right with you about the upheaval of moving. -tc
Tom, it sounds like your dad’s work was so interesting and intense. I was always jealous of Army kids who got to live abroad…but I think that lifestyle can be so hard, too! You’ve had so many moves in your life. I guess it’s always an upheaval. Thanks for commenting!
Hi. I made the move from Washington DC area, where I was born and raised, in 2006 to Albuquerque NM where my husband grew up. He hadn’t been back home in 10 years and I wanted something different. It was a huge adjustment career wise and culturally. We are now looking at Colorado to retire to in 5 years. I get my trees and waters back and he still in the Southwest. Win win. Good luck in LA.
Hi Janice! I bet moving from DC to Albuquerque was a huge change! Colorado shouldn’t be quite so dramatic. It is sure beautiful there…my novel that’s coming out this fall is set there. 🙂 I bet you’ll love it. Thanks for the good wishes!
Today I moved out of the classroom I’ve occupied for 7 years and said good-bye to the best faculty a person could ever wish to work with. It’s really hard not to cry. But I have a new job in a new school ahead of me that I’m both excited and scared for. Your blog post really resonated with me as a result.
You’ll be fine in LA, and I’ll be fine in my new classroom. It’s hard to leave everything we love behind, but happily there is no limit to how much we can love.
Ohh, wow. I posted this at such a relevant time for you. That sounds so hard…great coworkers are terribly hard to say goodbye to. I hope the new school is great. I bet it will be. You are so right about there being no limit to how much we can love…well said. I’m going to think about that a lot in the next few days, I think.
Oh my, yes! I can certainly relate to your moving adventure. We moved to the Phoenix, AZ area from Seattle, after 20 years in the same house. Talk about trying to figure out what to keep, what to throw or donate was really hard for me. (I come from a long line of pack-rats) And then to top it all of, we left for AZ on July 5th, arriving on the 7th, to 110 degree weather. Now anyone who knows the Pacific Northwest knows summer doesn’t begin until after July 4th, so it was still cool, sweatshirt wearing weather. We unloaded the truck we rented & then hubby flew back up to Seattle to finish the month out at work. I thought “what kind of hell did he leave me in?” I knew no one & was already homesick. But once I started working, & meeting new people, it wasn’t so bad. That was 5 years ago & I still get homesick. And in the summer still wonder what hell I’m in. 😉 It takes time to adjust. .
Oh Carol, I moved from the Midwest to Tucson one August long ago for grad school…the heat is really a shock! I know just what you’re talking about. It sounds like you’ve really settled in, though. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
I must be in a mood on this cold, wet Tasmanian Friday because reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I’ve shared in the past that I’m originally from Chicago…moved to Australia (near Brisbane) when I got married at 25…and then two years ago we moved from the only home I’d known in Australia to remote Tasmania (think Alaska with fewer people). The reason for the tears, I think, is how difficult it was to downsize, and I remember now how much I’ve had to let go of each time I’ve moved (we literally filled three skips with stuff when we were leaving Queensland, got rid of 100+ DVDs, and even took unopened wedding presents to the Op Shop; I still miss the gorgeous carved bench my dad gave us that we couldn’t take). I’m only glad my husband is also my best friend, because that’s made leaving places that much easier. I’ve still got my pre-married life packed away at my parents’ house in Chicago; I eventually have to deal with my RenFaire things, my collectibles, my Wiccan items, my books and some childhood trinkets, my wedding dress and other wedding mementos, photo albums, etc. I’m debating how precious those things are to me, because shipping them to Australia is ridiculously expensive. It’s always trading the familiar and comfortable for the unknown adventure. I guess getting rid of lots of those things makes you feel less trapped in the long run… I’m planning a trip to Chicago sometime in the next year (my dad has leukaemia, and if he makes it another 2 years, that’ll be more than miraculous); my mother-in-law suddenly passed away a few weeks ago, and that’s gotten me thinking about what will happen when my own parents pass away. I don’t think I ever fully said goodbye to my American life, even though I’ve been in Australia 15+ years and have no intention of moving back. I pegged this year as the “Year of Completion”, and for better or worse, it’s turning into that in more ways than I anticipated.
Oh Lisa! I was thinking of you a little when I was writing this. It is so heartbreaking to part with some things. You made such a big move. I am so very sorry to hear about your dad, and your mother-in-law. That is a lot to deal with all at once and I hope you take good care of yourself emotionally. I am sending you all my good vibes. <3
Thanks, Bryn!! Your good wishes mean a lot to me, and I often think of you and am sending you my very best for the restart in LA. As daunting as it can be, it’s good for the experience (even if the experience isn’t always good…lol). Looking forward to hearing about your new adventures with Mr Donovan! 🙂
We lived in a small town in Wyoming from our wedding till our youngest son was nine months old. We moved to Portland, Oregon so my husband could go to college. My greatest fear was that I wouldn’t see anybody in the grocery store that I knew. In Wyoming I was a celebrity. I published a book! Whenever anybody did anything out of the ordinary it was everybody’s success. Big spread in the newspaper – on the radio – invitations to speak at schools. It was something. In Portland, Oregon it didn’t take me long to realize I am nobody. I published another book. “You and how many thousand other people?” But I dug for the gold – not in acknowledgement – but in education. Novel writing classes, a job with a historical society teaching pioneer skills and finishing my BA are among my favorites. My husband finally did earn his degree. My children are also the recipients of opportunities in theater, music, art and scholarships. It was a good move and I got used to not seeing any familiar faces in the grocery store.
Hi Jessie! Oh, the change from small-town to big city life has got to be really something. I can only imagine! How impressive that you got your B.A. and took writing classes, too! We were in Portland last summer, just for a few days, and we really loved it. It sounds like you’ve made the absolute most of it. (And of course you’re a VIP.)
Hey Bryn
It was really so nice to go through your and your husband’s experience. I wrote many short stories and my inspiration were you. Well thanks for all the help and good luck dear
Hi Bryn. I just finished reading your post about moving across country and found your descriptions of the process, your feelings, and occasional sobbing refreshingly honest. I’m from California and I know how intimidating Southern California can be when you’re new to the area. Having a significant other to go through the relocation with certainly helps. I know you will be fine there and it sounds like you are already settling in just fine.
I actually did something very similar several years ago, and while I’d like to say that it worked out great, there are times when I wonder if it wasn’t one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I sold my California condo, along with many of my worldly possessions and uprooted my life to move across country to pursue a long-distance relationship with someone I thought loved me. Fast forward a few years and I’m working on putting my life back together after losing everything that was important to me and having to stay where I am since I have nothing to go back to in California.
It is certainly not the life I had envisioned for myself. But I am finally starting to move forward after falling into a deep state of depression from the move and the failed relationship. It was more of a culture shock than I dared realize; moving from a fast moving city full of opportunities to a small town with few opportunities for work and even fewer people my age.
The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that the only person I really know here is my ex, and that despite our relationship not working out he had become my best friend. Now even that friendship seems to have ended as he has decided to start dating. I’m heartbroken.
In the last couple of weeks I started a new job and am working towards moving into a condo closer to town, so I can begin to make other friends and make the best of the situation. I’m excited to finally be able to move forward but my heart is still broken and words cannot fully express the loneliness I feel.
Goodluck in Cali.
I sure did pick up and start over – when I was 25 I left everything behind and joined the Air Force. It was a huge leap and I don’t think anyone back home thought I’d stick it out. I did, of course, and I can’t imagine life any other way. Because of that leap, I was able to break free of all the expectations everyone I knew and loved held over me, and it allowed me to discover my true self. For the first time in my life, I knew what confidence felt like. (And then I met my soul mate, and over 10 years later we’re still happily married with our two boys.)
<3
My big move came for me when I was 18. I moved from my little 1 mile town with more cows than people to the third largest city in my state to attend college. I didn’t know anybody. Nobody from my high school went with me, and I was 3 1/2 to 4 hours away from my family. I’d never been on my own before. I grew up surrounded by family and people who had known me my entire life. For the first time ever, I was on my own. And it was amazing.
There were no preconceived notions about who I was or what I could do. It was a clean slate. I met people who, more than a decade later, continue to be some of the best friends I’ve ever had. I learned who I was and what I believed. That never would have happened if I had stayed close to home. It’s definitely one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Beautiful Bryn! Congrats!!! I was unaware of your move because we are in the same place right now, LOL. I have moved around all of my life, but this home in Kansas City has been the longest place I have ever lived in – EVER, even through childhood. We have been here 14 years and we just sold our townhome. We are not moving because of a job, but rather, because a vision has come through for us. We now both work from home and can live anywhere, and we have wanted to get back to the beach in South Texas for 18 years. So we are uprooting ourselves, and yes, it is all the same emotions that you mentioned in your article. Leaving friends and status quo on purpose is very emotionally trying. We spent all of 2017 renovating our gorgeous space, and now we are leaving it. We sold our house in one day, and we are now in that ‘box ugliness’ period you mentioned. We have a temporary 6 month apartment down South and I will come back and help sell my mother’s home, and bring her with us too! Then we will look for a permanent LARGE home in Texas. Ahhh…so much change, excitement, sadness, memories, downsizing, body aches, learning to be super flexible, and future walks on the beach! Much love to you in your transition, and to all your readers who are making BIG changes in 2018, which seems to be the theme among most of my friends right now.
Hi Bryn 🙂
Why yes, I have made some big moves in my life. The biggest was in 2009,when I left everything behind (well, almost) as I moved from The Netherlands to the US. California, at that time. I happened to meet this guy online and he turned out to be the one… 🙂
I had to sell my apartment and just about everything I owned. At first I was very determined to bring as much of my stuff as possible with me. Funny though, how quickly your sentimental reasons to hold on to something make way to common sense once you realize how expensive it is to have your stuff shipped. Ha! Talk about a major purge… I moved to America with some of my clothes, most of my books, and my late mother’s little wooden table.
And in October of 2016 my husband and I moved from California to the Oregon Coast. Another huge purge! We had to do everything ourselves. We found storage in Eugene, drove the majority of our stuff up (left enough behind to be able to live with, somewhat comfortably, while we put our house on the market), drove back, put house on the market, sold house within two days, another drive up to bring more stuff to storage, back to California to finish selling the house, then visited family and loved ones, before we made the final drive up north. We first moved into a rental, found our home, moved in in December of 2016 = once again dragging all our stuff from storage to new home… All by ourselves.
Funny. When you’re young and fit enough to do these things by yourself, if needed, you usually have plenty of friends to help out. Now, as we are older (I was 53 when we moved to Oregon, hubby 59) we didn’t have that type of help. But we made it. Lol.
Thanks for sharing!!! I love it!
Thanks, Ashley! Thanks for reading!
Hi! This is inspirational to read. My husband and I have lived in Chicago our while lives and have recently moved to the suburbs to raise our newborn. Although I’m happy about the new baby and move, I still have an itch to live in another city one day! Thanks for sharing because it made me realize I’m not trapped anywhere forever, regardless of my age 🙂