Hey, friends! Welcome to another WIP Wednesday, where I share a little of what I’m working on and you do the same in the comments section below! No more than 500 words, please, and no sexually explicit material, though coarse language is no problem.
It’s fine if it’s raw — this is “Work In Progress Wednesday,” not “Gaze Upon My Perfect Prose Wednesday” (which would not be nearly so catchy.)
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We avoid making critical remarks or suggestions for improvement, because we’re sharing work that’s still rough. Besides, it’s hard to be helpful when you’re evaluating an excerpt. You might say, “You shouldn’t have done X,” when the author has a very good reason for doing X that you don’t know about, because you didn’t read the rest of the story.
However, encouraging comments are, well, encouraged.
Before I share mine, I want to plead for your thoughts, prayers, good-luck spells, good vibes, and whatever else you’ve got. I have to finish a draft of my sweet contemporary romance this month. That way I can have a month to make it into a not-terrible draft before it goes to my developmental editor, who will help me make it into a good draft.
I’ve never missed deadlines, and I don’t want to start now. With the publishing job, it’s a challenge. But it has to be done. I’ll report back next month on my success!
Also, I have a question. Do you ever mentally cast actors in your head when you’re writing a story? In my head, this hero keeps looking a lot like Paul Rudd. Dylan is quite a bit younger. But Paul Rudd looks way younger than he has a right to look, so it’s fine.
In this story, Dylan and Paige had one date…and then Paige found out that Dylan wanted to buy the cabin she’s renting. The landlord has just put it on the market, but he’s given her a little time to get the money to be able to buy it. Dylan has plenty of money; Paige doesn’t.
In romances, you’re always setting up reasons for the two people to spend a lot of time together, and that’s what this scene is all about.
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She asked, “If I make an offer on the cabin, are you going to outbid me?”
After a moment, he admitted, “Yes.”
Paige’s hopes withered. At least he’s honest about it. “I feel like if you knew me better, you’d understand why this place means so much to me.”
“Maybe that’s true.”
If they’d been seeing each other for a while, maybe he would’ve steered clear of the idea of buying the cabin. Even a few weeks of dating might’ve been enough.
That gave her an idea.
“What if you gave me a few weeks to convince you I should get the cabin?”
Dylan had been leaning against the doorframe, but now he took a couple of steps into the kitchen. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…” She was making it up on the spot. “I take you to other places that mean a lot to me, and tell you things about me and my life, and then you’ll see why I was meant to live here.”
His mouth dropped open. He hadn’t been expecting that, which gave her a tiny measure of satisfaction. There was something staid and controlled about him that gave her the urge to catch him off guard. When they’d been at the orchard, she’d climbed a tree partly to get at the best apples, but also partly to shake things up.
“If I convince you that I deserve it,” she said, “then if I can make an offer, you won’t make one.”
He shook his head. “You know someone else still might, though, right?”
“But with you, I at least have a chance of changing your mind.”
“What makes you think that?”
Because you like me. Or at least, he had. “Because you’re a nice person.”
He raised his eyebrows, looking nonplussed and…a little pleased? “So we’ll still be dating.”
“No. Not dating,” she said firmly. “I’d just be—teaching you. About myself.”
“Isn’t that what dating is?”
Well, he had a point. And the mischievous look in his eyes was awfully hard to resist.
But she was resisting. He was the enemy. Even if he was a decent, charming enemy. “As long as you want to buy this cabin, we’re not dating.” All he had to say was, Fine, I’ll buy some other house.
“Okay, you’re on,” he said. “You’ve got until Thanksgiving to convince me.” It wasn’t the capitulation she wanted, but it was something. He held up a finger. “Under one condition.”
Her hackles rose. “What?”
“I get to try to convince you that I deserve it more.”
She gave a short, disbelieving laugh.
“What?” he challenged her. “It’s only fair, right?”
She raised her hands. “No, it is, you’re right. But there’s no way you can convince me of that.”
He actually got a smug look on his face, like a poker player holding a royal flush. Was there something she didn’t know…?
Okay, let’s see what you’re up to! And if it’s your first time, don’t worry: this is a friendly crowd. If you just want to talk about how your writing is going, you should also feel free to do that.
But if you’re not chatting today, that’s cool, too. I appreciate your stopping by and reading! Have a great day!
Good luck on your big deadline, Bryn! I’m working on Chapter 27 of The Amatus and the Altus, where human nobleman Leo Trevelyan is in a relationship with Lace Harding, a dwarf commoner who scouts for the Inquisition (495 words):
One of Leliana’s birds arrived a day earlier than expected, carrying a letter addressed to Lace in Leo’s elegant, flowing handwriting.
Dear Lace, I miss you. After the ball, we march into a battle I can’t explain here. Wherever you go, my heart is with you. Always.
Fear clawed within the walls of her chest.
“Battle? What battle?” She’d been worried about poison in the punch, or a lady’s dagger between his ribs on the dance floor. Not an outright military engagement. “We haven’t committed to Celene or Gaspard, have we?”
Ava tilted her head, as if listening to the wind. “The Inquisitor can only march south, or west. As we’re south of their position, I would guess west. Shall I go?”
“No need,” Dalish said, pointing, “An Inquisition messenger approaches from the east.”
Heart pounding, Lace hopped up on a rock to look.
Charter rode at the front of a swift-riding company. The news must have been dire indeed if Leliana had sent her. Charter and several Inquisition soldiers rode Fereldan Forders. Flanking her in positions of honor were two burly human men, each on a Free Marches Ranger. The humans’ rear guard included Sera on a Forder and Tama on an Anderfel Courser.
Not even the news of slaves in the Red Lyrium mines had pulled Sera from Skyhold. She was anxious outside city walls, and got lost in the wilderness almost as easily as Leo. Whatever message Charter carried, it was bad.
“Dalish, round up some grooms, please.”
“Yes, Ser!” Dalish ran off with Skinner.
Charter rode right up to where Lace stood. Even on her perch, Lace’s chin barely came above the saddle of Charter’s horse.
“Scout Harding, I have news,” Charter said. A groom came forward and took her mount’s reins. “Where is the command tent?”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Where was Tethras with a quippy comeback when you needed him? Or even that lyrium merchant, Cadash, with his flirty smile.
“This way,” Lace gestured toward the center of camp and Charter strode ahead.
“Heads up,” Ava whispered in Lace’s ear. “Champion of Kirkwall at your three o’clock.
Lace glanced over at the two human men she hadn’t met yet. One was practically half the size of the other, but they both sported massive, sculpted muscles above their bracers, fully visible with their plain black cloaks thrown back over their shoulders as they handed their horses off to the grooms. The smaller man was still broader than Leo, who wasn’t exactly skinny himself.
“That’s Garrett Hawke,” Ava said. “The big guy’s his brother, Warden Carver.”
“Feckin’ Wardens, fecking mages,” Sera grumbled, sliding off her horse and offering Tama a hand down.
The Warden glared in Sera’s direction, but Hawke’s lips twitched in amusement. The Champion’s short black hair and beard were scruffy, jutting out every which way, but his eyes brimmed with a bright, alert intellect. Warden Carver’s stern chin was as smooth and unmoving as a block of marble.
OK. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to know what battle this is and what news is so important it drew out all these people. Nice work!
Thank you, Nicole! This is my very-much-changed-from-canon take on the setup for the Here Lies the Abyss quest in the game Dragon Age: Inquisition. The main plot point is the same: A desperate faction of the Grey Wardens, our heroes in the first game, has been tricked into raising a demon army they don’t know will serve the main villain (and enthrall the Warden mages’ minds in the process), so we need to fight our fallen heroes before we can fight our true villain.
I’ll write this battle after I write about the violent “peace talks” at the empress’ masquerade ball–Can we stop her assassination? Should we? Here’s hoping Leo and his brother survive the party and meet up with Lace later.
Oh my–I can clearly see the scene here and feel the tension! Now I want to know what happens next!
Thank you, McKenna! There will be a fortress battle, and a deadly dance at a masquerade, amongst other dangers, before we can face the ancient villain who orchestrated this madness. Can Leo and his brother achieve their happily ever afters with a dwarf and the son of a magister? I’m posting each chapter of this Dragon Age fan fic as I go.
The suspense is awesome…what’s the news Charter’s going to spring on Lace?? And my heart goes out to Lace, too. A letter like that from a loved one would drive me crazy.
Thanks, Lisa! “We found the source of the demon army . . .” is Charter’s news. Current mission only half done, Lace has to leave a minimal guard at their position and lead reinforcements to the rendezvous, a fortress housing an army of former heroes coerced into villainy.
Oh no, that letter! Great scene. I can never read your stuff without wishing you’d just change some names and pertinent details and publish it as fantasy, since it seems like your imagination has strayed far from the original source anyway. As it is, it’s got to be the very best DA fanfic out there!
Hi Bryn! Oh, what a fascinating set up. I can’t wait to see what happens with these two. I certainly wish you luck in finishing in time.
Because I write YA, I find it hard to dream cast my characters. I don’t know that many 16 year old actors, and the ones I do know are too glam. Claire is a jeans and geeky tee shirt kind of girl: think of a young Ellen Page, with glasses and longer hair.
Here’s my excerpt:
Speech class is the hardest. We’re in the auditorium for the last of the debates, which means there’s no barrier provided by the standard classroom seating, no convenient desk to get in the way. I hover in the doorway, looking for someplace to sit, neither too far from him nor too close.
It’s too late. Gareth has seen me. He waves me over.
Okay, this would actually be a convenient time for me to have a vision and a fainting spell. I would love to go to the nurse’s office. Nothing happens. And Ms. Lowman is still taking attendance.
I give him a quick smile and sit two seats away. I’m about to put my backpack between us when he checks his breath, then sheepishly lowers his hand.
Gods. I can’t have him think he smells bad or something. Not the one guy in class who doesn’t abuse the body spray, and who actually brushes his teeth after lunch.
I plunk down right next to him, put my bag on the other side of me and mutter, “Thought we could each have an armrest.” The seat creaks beneath me as I scoot as far from him as I can.
“I’m all right with sharing.” He lays his arm across it, palm open.
So tempting. I hug my arm to me instead.
“Claire,” he says, then the debate begins. Saved.
Except sometime during the speech I find myself using the armrest, my arm next to his, bare skin against bare skin. Our pinkies curl around each other’s. There’s no way I can get out without speaking to him.
And I don’t know how to tell him goodbye.
Oh no! Obviously she still cares about him so I can’t wait to find out why this ‘goodbye’ is happening. You’ve got my attention!
Eeeep! Now I want to know what he wanted to say and why she has to leave! (And also, what about those powers, eh?) 🙂
I really liked the awkwardness of the moment for Claire, although I don’t envy her having to extract herself from Gareth. And goodbyes are always horrible. Great tension in this scene!
Hi, Kimberly! Ahh, this is so sweet. You really capture teenage emotions so well!
I’m working on a new short story right now. I’m going through the editing phase, so I don’t have anything to share.
To answer your question, I sometimes imagine myself as a casting director when I write my stories. I have a Pinterest board where I pin different people who I think would make good models for my characters. Most of the time, they’re models. Every once in a while, I’ll find someone “famous” to represent my characters.
Yes! I have used Pinterest boards for that as well. I’ve even pinned images of animals (like dragons) when I needed to cast those. Pinterest is awesome.
Hi, G.R., nice to see you! Hope your short story is going well. I love Pinterest, and I never thought of using it for that! I like it. (I’d probably make it a secret board, though!)
October 2035 was the beginning of the end for humans. This was when we finally made actual contact with aliens. Humongous spaceships hovered over our state capitals and foreign countries, while smaller ones overshadowed the next largest cities. They met with the president, the U.N. and all the dignitaries from other countries. At last, we were able to see them for ourselves. Many people were dismayed and disappointed because they weren’t the gray beings with the big eyes that we had expected. They resembled us but there was something cold about them. It was announced that they were going to give us the wherewithal to purify our air and clean up our soil. This was all well and good, but what did they want in return? When we finally found out it was like walking onto a bad horror movie set.
I’ve always suspected alien first contact would wind up being a Bad Thing disguised as an offer of Good Things. 🙂
Wilma, hi, thank you for sharing! I am really curious about what they want. It made me flash back to Octavia E. Butler’s Dawn.
Good luck with the draft! Deadlines are extremely important for me, since I often get distracted and forget what I was doing. Then I see a deadline and it puts me right back on track again. Like, I am re-writing my first draft, because my English was bad when I started about three years ago. It’s cringeworthy, the way I phrased dialogue and described scenery back then…
As for the question about the actors… yeah, since I base my characters on real life people, I know exactly what they look
like. Sometimes I feel like a creep when I ask them questions that are meant for their characters, but they ensure me that I’m not being freaky when asking “are you a person that faints when they see blood or not?”
That said, here’s a scene which I wrote (or re-wrote) after asking that question:
After a walk from the arena to the left wing of the castle, Iris sat down on one of the chairs in the hospital room. Not many beds were occupied, despite what LC had said about the increasing violence in the duels. Odille, the medic with her weird white blue hair, looked up when Iris seated herself. ‘Ah, the victor of the latest battle.’
‘One of the two victors,’ Iris corrected her. She wanted to add don’t forget Morgan, but stopped when Odille’s face soured.
How did she get from the arena to here so quickly? she wondered. With a roll of her eyes, she thought to herself: magic, of course. Always magic. She thought about how it would feel to be able to do magic. Morgan had described it as “absolutely exhilarating, like you can do everything you want. And you can, if you’re good enough.” Iris wondered if it gave you the same feeling as breaking a personal record, or winning a medal at a local match. Then again, winning this duel is not that far of from winning a game.
‘You reacted calmly when seeing your injury,’ Odille commented while carefully picking a small bottle from the cupboard.
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t really see much of it. In the heat of battle and such.’ It felt a bit pretentious to say that. But it was appropriate, so Iris just went with it. ‘I felt the pain and checked if it was nothing too bad, which it wasn’t, just a cut on my arm. Then I saw Morgan charging at both our opponents and thought: “might as well help, even if she doesn’t really need it”.’
‘For the intensity of the duel, it’s a minor injury indeed. So you judged it well.’
For Iris, it felt like a big compliment, coming from an experienced medic. When Odille opened the bottle, a smell vaguely reminiscent of cough drops and mint wafted Iris’s way. She watched as the medic poured a bit of the liquid onto a big wad of cotton. ‘What’s that stuff?’
‘Summer Sorrel brew, with a drop of stracery draught. Boiled slowly for three days while being infused with spells that regulate pain and stop the blood flow.’ A slight smile spread over Odille’s face.
‘Okay…’ Iris sighed. ‘I didn’t get any of that.’
‘Did you complete a first aid course?’ At Iris’s nodding the medic continued: ‘It’s like disinfectant ethanol and a warm compress in one. And it also cleans the wound. In liquid form, of course, and it stings just as badly. Take a deep breath.’
With a quick movement, Iris swiped her hair out of the way. The movement caused some wind, which felt cold on the wound. She saw that there was a bit of blood in her hair. Is that mine, or maybe from one of those two I dueled? she thought. It struck her as an odd thought. At that realization, she wondered just how much she would change, thanks to the ways of Odille, LC and like-minded people. Odille moved in with the cotton swab, so Iris sucked in a deep breath.
The liquid, brew, whatever, stung as badly as she had expected. The slow burn spreading through her upper arm was indeed rather like that of disinfectant alcohol. What she hadn’t anticipated was the warmth that followed it. It felt akin to a comfortably warm bath. The pain from the wound faded away almost completely. And when she flexed her arm, a little bit of pricking was the only thing she felt.
‘Quite the change, isn’t it?’ Odille cleaned away the last traces of blood before wrapping a soft bandage around the cut. ‘Feel free to discard that after a day or so. The wound needs to close and heal a bit, but you don’t have to wear that bandage for long.’
After a quirk of her eyebrows, she added: ‘I think I can entrust you with that.’
Ooooh, a fascinating slice of worldbuilding from the POV of someone not quite on the inside it would seem. I love outsider POV for stories like this because we’re learning at the same time the MC is. 🙂
Thanks! I love writing POV scenes for all 5 main characters, since some have an entirely different view on the world than the others. Iris is very clear minded, as you can read. Morgan, the person she’s referring to in this scene, has quite a pessimistic and dark outlook on life.
I’d never have guessed that English isn’t your first language based on the way you write, Kiete! Great scene…I was anticipating the sting of that antiseptic potion! lol
Kiete, I’ve noticed your English getting more and more sophisticated even over the time you’ve been posting here (and it was excellent to begin with)! I don’t know if I could ever write in another language as well as you write in English, and I’m always in awe. Great details in this scene, and it’s fun hearing about how you “researched” it with your character inspiration!
Good Morning and thank you for sharing your work and encouraging us to do same. I usually have a mental picture of what my characters look like and it helps a lot with the progress of my work. I am currently working on Chapter 43 of my book “Battles in the Shadows,” which is a story around an abandoned baby who had grown up into a successful young woman adopted and raised by a loving family. At this point in the book, everyone around her is getting attacked by an unknown person and the attacks are getting really deadly and anyone could be next, herself included. Here is an except from the chapter;
Latoya was leaving her office to eat lunch when the dreadful call from the Police came.
“Mrs. Rakwela.”
“Superintendent, we agreed on 6pm.” She said flatly.
“Ms. Molefe was involved in a terrible car accident. She is in critical conditions. Her car is damaged beyond repairs Madam.”
Latoya’s hands went to her mouth dropping her phone on the floor in the process.
“Oh my God! This is real! Why is this happening? Who is haunting us down?” She screamed. She took up her phone which fortunately was not broken. As she was about to dial her husband’s phone number, a call from a private caller came through.
“Hello,”
“LATOYA!” The voice called her name in the most eerie manner.
“Who is this?” She asked quietly.
“You are next.” The voice said and the call ended.
“Oh dear God, what is happening?” With shaky hands she dialed her husband’s number.
“Mompati,”
“Yes my dear, is everything okay?”
“We are being followed. Someone is watching us Mompati. Ms. Molefe has been attacked and she is in critical conditions.”
“What!!! When did this happen?”
“This morning Mompati. I am scared. Someone just called me too.”
“What did he or she say?”
“That I am next! Mompati why is this happening?”
“Where is Lauretta?” He asked in a shaky voice.
“She should be at work dear. She’s at work.”
“Stay in your office okay. I will come right away and also inform the Superintendent.”
The line went dead and so did her faith at that moment. Her heart beat wildly against her rib cage. Fear gripped her heart and turned into mince meat. She sat down and tried to calm down. If Koketso is dying in the hospital, it means whoever is fighting them all wants them dead!
“Dear God, please protect us all from this evil. Please show us what is going on and who is responsible.”
Brandon rushed down to the Botswana Television Station where his fiance works. Mr. Rakwela had called him to update him about the latest horror around Laura. He knew what everyone was implying; that Laura is experiencing Bipolar Disorder or some other personality disorder that is making her attack everyone around her. But his heart wouldn’t just believe it even though it was very highly probable. He had tried calling her on her cellphone but she was not responding. This heightened his fears. Where was she? When he got to the parking lot he tried calling her again and this time it went through.
“Hey Brand.” She sure was in a happy mood.
“Hi. Please come down to the parking lot. I have some news for you.”
“It is very busy right now Brand. Why didn’t you call?”
“I did but you were obviously too busy to see it.”
“Tell me what is going on,” She said quickly.
“There was an accident Lauretta.”
“Accident? Is Mama okay? Papa?” She asked frantically.
“They are okay but not Ms. Molefe. Someone is stalking everyone Lauretta. Just come down okay.”
You have me worried for everyone in this family! Now I want to know who’s behind it all… 🙂
Hi, Bosede! Yikes, scary story. It seems like they have no idea why this is happening. Thank you for sharing — I hope we see more!
Ahhh!!! Good luck with the deadline! You can do it 🙂 Do you do Word Sprints? Those help me when I’m feeling slow or stagnant. I usually need a writer-friend to do them with me, or I’ll just sit at my computer and do anything BUT sprints. (Like Facebook. Or shop on Amazon. Or Google-map places I’ve never been to find out how far away they are and how long it would take to drive there and, basically, to do anything but Sprints.) I can’t do unsupervised sprints. :p
And Yes, I DO picture celebrities’ faces when writing my characters because it helps me write the way they laugh, how they might react, how tall or short they are, etc. Then I don’t have to keep thinking about it like if I’ve made up a character from scratch. In chapter 1, the character will have blonde hair, but by the time I get to chapter 17, she suddenly has auburn hair.
And I think his “Under one condition” is perfect, because now it feels like it could turn into a really sweet, slightly comical competition between the two. And I want to know what made her think, ‘Well, he had’ when she had the thought that he likes her – but didn’t say it out loud. I remember the orchard excerpt you posted for us and I am getting more and more excited to read the book whenever it is published so I can get the whole story with all the little bits and pieces. Yay!
The WIP I’ve been posting excerpts from these last several months has a complete first draft. I’m in the revision stage where I’ve been cutting the fat and beefing up certain elements. (Speaking of: it’s not easy to write a great very first paragraph. I think I’ve revised that alone at least 50 times.) For this WIP, I picture Jared Padalecki as Wes Burch. In this scene, Wes is in Vancouver and Ellie and the boys are visiting their grandparents at the ranch for dinner.
***
“Pop’s probably in the barn tinkering on that old wagon again if you want to peek in and say hi.”
Ellie smiled. “Oh, yeah, I’ll do that.”
But she wanted to see Sammy first. The last time she stood at this fence, Wes was right beside her and she spilled her guts to him. That was a good night. Thinking about the wagon ride and the blanket and sitting by the fire with him never failed to spook the butterflies in her belly. Ellie held the carrot out even though she couldn’t see him yet. “Hey, Sammy!” Her ponytail swayed in the warm afternoon breeze as it played with the loose hairs at the back of her neck. She swatted a fly that buzzed by her ear as she listened for him. When he finally came into view, he took a few steps and stopped. “Hey, old man.” She shifted the carrot in his direction. “I have a treat for ya.”
He pawed at the ground a bit before taking another few steps.
“What are ya doin’, Sammy?” He didn’t act like this the last time she was here.
Another few steps and he stopped again, this time kicking at his stomach. He seemed unsteady on his old knobby knees, and shook his head.
“Come on, bud. Nell says you like carrots.”
When he finally made his way over to her, he was covered in sweat and couldn’t seem to stand still. When he didn’t take the carrot, Ellie started to worry.
“You don’t look so good,” Ellie said as she reached for his neck. He squealed at her touch and pulled away, stamping his hooves in an awkward circle. “Okay, boy. It’s okay. It’s just me. It’s Ellie. Remember?”
Sammy stretched his body and grunted, then turned around and kicked at his belly again. Something wasn’t right.
“Henry!” Ellie ran to the barn. “Henry?”
He popped up from behind the wagon and wiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm. “Oh, hey, Ellie.”
“Sammy’s acting weird,” she said, wide-eyed and breathing fast.
Henry dropped whatever he’d been holding and followed her back to the pasture. As soon as he laid eyes on Sammy, his expression changed. “Ellie,” he said softly, not taking his eyes off the horse. “Go on in the house and ask Mom to call Dr. Bennett.”
“Okay.” She sprinted back to the kitchen, catching Liam and Zev’s attention. They followed her in. “Henry wants you to call Dr. Bennett. Something’s wrong with Sammy.”
Nell dropped the mixing bowl in the sink and wiped the soapsuds from her hands. Without a word, she spun around and snatched the cordless phone from the wall.
“What’s going on, Ellie?” Liam asked, standing right behind her with his little brother in tow.
“I don’t know, exactly,” she said, crouching down in front of them. “But I think Sammy might be sick. Can you guys stay in here for a little? Just until the vet gets here.”
Liam looked out the back door. “Is he dying?”
Oh no! I know the signs of colic in a horse all too well–I hope Sammy is going to be okay!!
I’m not going to kill him off just yet… 😉
Wow, Nicole, great movement from reflection, to concern, to action! I’m worried for Sammy.
Thanks so much! 🙂
I’ve really enjoyed your excerpts from this story, and congrats on finishing the first draft! I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and admit that I got very worried for poor Sammy. Poor Ellie…it’s terrible to be the one who discovers a beloved pet is suddenly ill. 🙁
Hey there! Thank you for the good wishes! I’ve never done word sprints, and I really should give that a try. I think I have a few friends — online and in “real life” — who might like to do them with me!
Ohh, poor horse! I don’t know much about horses, but it’s so upsetting when an animal you love is sick. Good scene.
I don’t know Wes, but I already approve of Jared Padalecki as dream casting! Hee hee.
I love your WIP Wednesdays! And yes, I also picture actors in the roles of my characters–it really helps me get a feel for not only what they look like, but how they move and speak too.
I had to laugh at your character being named Paige in your excerpt–especially in a cabin story! I love the ‘forced interaction’ premise–one of my favorites! My excerpt is about a Peyton who lives in a cabin. 🙂 It’s part of a short story I’m finishing up to offer as a freebie next month.
Peyton floundered her way to the side of the road, where Ranger stood barking excitedly. As she came abreast of him, the dog plunged down the embankment.
Something heavy had left the road, crushing bushes and small trees in its wake. Below, Peyton could see the red taillights of a car tilted precariously to one side. The odor of engine exhaust burned her nose in the crisp, cold air.
“Oh, no, no, no,” she chanted as she slid her way down to the car. The bright red Miata was nose deep into a thicket, the headlights showcasing a flurry of snow in its beams. There was no movement within.
In a panic, she wrenched open the driver’s side door.
The warm air inside the car struck her face even as the driver jumped and cursed. He twisted in his seat to look up at her, pushing the deployed airbag out of his way.
“Holy shit,” he said. “You scared the ever-living crap out of me.”
His reaction incensed her. Who was this idiot?
“Are you suicidal or just stupid? Don’t you know you can give yourself carbon monoxide poisoning running the engine like that?” Her sharp words hung in the air like the vapor of her breath. It was too late to take them back.
Impossibly, the man inside the car gave her a slow grin. The overhead dome cast a halo of light over him, illuminating boyishly handsome features. Light brown hair, fashionably cut. The suggestion of vacation stubble along his jaw line. Dressed in just a leather jacket over a black turtleneck and jeans, he reeked of expensive tastes and an appreciation of his own good looks. “I was being careful. I cleared the exhaust pipe and I only planned to run the engine long enough to get warm. Honest.”
He shut off the motor, killed the headlights, and climbed out of the car. Peyton took a step back.
“No signal.” He indicated his phone with a waggle of his hand before stuffing it into his pocket. “Boy, am I glad you came along.”
Ranger wiggled forward and pushed his nose up into the man’s hand. “Hey, buddy.” Delight was evident in his voice. He tilted his head up to smile at Peyton again. “This your dog?”
“His name is Ranger,” Peyton said abruptly, mortification welling up inside of her because unless she was mistaken, she had been rude to Nicholas Lang.
Lang. The guy who starred some years back in her favorite sci-fi series Starfall, and was now on another new show she adored. For some unfathomable reason, Lang was in her neighborhood, stuck in a ditch and possibly injured. Peyton’s face flamed despite the frigid temperature. She’d not only been rude, but unspeakably rude to a major celebrity.
I mean to say “laugh because my character was a Paige before she became a Peyton”. I left that part out–oops!
Haha!! I would definitely read this! I love the way you write. It flows smoothly and is so easy to read.
Oh, thank you! That’s so nice to hear. 🙂
Nice excerpt, McKenna! LOL, “His reaction incensed her. Who was this idiot?” Aw, and the doggie likes him. I trust dogs’ instincts in such matters. It’s also a true and funny dog person trait to say hi to the dog before asking the owner if it’s theirs.
Thank you! I tend to trust the dog’s reaction as well. 😀
I loved the line “You scared the ever-living crap out of me.” Nicholas seemed very in control of the situation, despite running off the road like he did. (We occasionally have cars in the deep ditches at the sides of our roads around here…I’ll forever remember this scene when I see one in the future!) Very much looking forward to you sharing more of this!!
Hi, McKenna! That’s so funny about the name! Paige isn’t even a super common name. We must be on the same wavelength 🙂 I liked these two characters immediately! Such great interaction. I especially liked him because he liked her dog. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Okay, here’s the first few lines of my new book, Initiation. Thanks for the invite, Bryn.
Sam
“JUST MY DAMN LUCK!” I pointed into the blue-green waves of the Gulf of Mexico, held on tight to the side of the Fish & Get-‘Em, and peered into the crystal clear water for my prey. A deep-sea fishing rod whirred right next to me, and yards of translucent fishing line screamed out behind the charter boat, arching the rod tip over until it disappeared into the ocean. “I think we foul-hooked the mermaid!”
Hunting mermaids is not for the faint of heart. I flung off my Aviator Ray Bans, and peered over the side of the sixty-foot charter boat, searching the churning turquoise waves for my catch. She darted off behind the boat. Looked like I was gonna have to go in after her. I wasn’t about to let her get away.
This was a different way to spend a day in always-sunny Key West. Hey, at least I wasn’t dodging drunken crowds of tourists down on Duvall Street. Five miles off the coast of the Southernmost Point in the middle of the ocean was definitely more my speed.
One glance back at the captain’s face revealed a grim expression, his weathered old face pinched tight, his eyes wide. He wasn’t the first old salt on Charter Boat Row out of Garrison Bight Marina who’d lost a boat to the mad mermaid in the past three months. We’d barely convinced him to help us go out this far and fish for the creature-and that had taken a lot of cash.
My bare feet slipped and slid across the white fiberglass floorboard when the stern of the mighty Fish & Get ‘Em groaned, and dipped dangerously close to the water’s edge.
“That little bitch. Watch out, Max! She’s got the anchor line, and she’s coming around for the kill.”
Rumor had it this particular muse from the deep, whose name was Moriah, had it in for the sailors of Key West, but no one knew why. I didn’t really care. I’d volunteered for the assignment when the Hunters’ Watch Brigade posted it on the mission board.
Legend has it my boss, Shade Vermillion, organized the Hunters’ Watch Brigade after some asshole turned him from a human into a vampire against his will about two hundred years ago. We’re a tight-knit group of paranormal peacekeepers who protect humans from things that go bump in the night.
My official badge reads Samantha Silverton, Water Elements Specialist, Lieutenant Hunter. I’ve worked on the team of supernaturals who police activities of other supernaturals for ten years now.
Okay, so I’m a monster-hunter.
Our mission statement is simple. When creatures like vampires, werewolves, or even innocent-looking fairies go rogue and endanger human lives, we show up and stop them.
Ha! This was so great. I was not expecting the supernatural twist but it took a super fun turn at your first mention of mermaid. And I love how contemporary it is – it truly feels like this could really happen today. Two thumbs up. 🙂
I love the idea of a paranormal peacekeeping brigade! Great series potential here!
I loved that this has all the makings of a “gritty, urban supernatural fantasy” — but it opens in the bright sunlight and blue, tropical ocean. Awesome job providing a setting that isn’t often associated with supernatural elements!!
Hi, Paula, so good to see you here! HA! This is such a clever beginning! (I’m trying not to say it hooked me…hahahahaha.) This is my kind of story. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
What a fun tidbit of your contemporary romance. Dialogue does it all, and I think that’s just the way it should be! I’m working on a WIP also, and banging my head against my office desk. It’s snowing outside, and I’m hoping I’m snowed in all day tomorrow, so I can write write write with no distractions. Good luck with your deadline!
I love Paul Rudd as Dylan…it fits so well (we watched “Role Models” recently, so he’s at the front of my brain). Great excerpt, Bryn. This story seems like a lovely mug of hot chocolate…I just want to snuggle up with it. I often imagine my characters as actors, but being that most of them are non-human, I often cast the personalities of their film/TV characters and substitute the physical attributes later (like one of the dragons would totally be Patrick Stewart, and the anti-hero looks a little like a cross between Hugh Jackman and Dylan McDermott, but he’s a wolf…lol)
My offering this month…I’m working on setting up the relationship between my main female character and the guy she’s been told she had to seduce. Background to this scene is that she brought him back to her place…tried to go through with it…failed…and now he’s spending the night to make it look like “something happened”. They’re having a “3am conversation”.
—
She turned to face Gerard in the darkness, just making out his tussled mane, his unbuttoned shirt, and the glint of light reflected in his leonine eyes. “You and I had a bad beginning. Can I confess something?”
“By all means.”
“Myrrha told me what happened between the two of you. I love my sister, and I judged you as the one who’d wrecked her life; that’s why I was so horrible when we first met. I didn’t want to know you because I didn’t think you were worth knowing. I was completely wrong.”
Gerard exhaled audibly, saying nothing for a short time. His voice was strained when he finally spoke. “I try to live my life without regrets, but I regret Myrrha’s pain. I was furious with my father when he called off our arrangement. We were happy…weren’t expecting things to end as they did…” He cleared his throat. “Does she hate me?”
“She misses you.”
“I tried writing to her. All my letters came back unopened. When I heard about her wedding, I stopped trying to contact her. I couldn’t pursue a married female, even for honourable reasons. Over the years, I’ve tried to apologise. She’s always evaded me.”
“Did you love her?”
“I don’t know,” he sighed, tilting his head to the side. “We were young…infatuated. If we’d married, I would have grown to love her – I’m sure of that. It’s inappropriate for me to consider it now; whatever happened between us is relegated to the past. I can only express remorse for my lack of restraint.” He folded his hands in his lap as his shoulders slumped. “Forgive me, my Lady. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this. The ru’Shar isn’t supposed to admit he has a heart.”
Gabrielle hadn’t expected him to bare his soul. Despite the cool arrogance borne of his nobility, Gerard had decency. This glimpse of his true nature changed how she felt about him. “Don’t worry – I won’t hold it against you.”
He chuckled, averting his gaze for a moment as he rubbed his neck. He glanced back to her face and shifted toward her along the couch, moving closer in a hesitant fashion. When he was near enough to touch her, Gerard took her hand and kissed Gabrielle’s wrist.
Her skin tingled as his velvet lips lingered, wandering along the inside of her arm. Her pulse quickened. This time she wanted him to keep going, to continue what he’d started earlier. She reached out and stroked his neck, running her fingers along his silky throat to rest on his collarbone.
“May I touch you here?” He put his free hand on her thigh.
“Yes.” She closed her eyes as his fingers slid to her hip.
“And here?” He continued up to her waist, her ribs.
“Yes,” she smiled, trailing her hand along his shoulder and down the length of his arm.
“What about here?” His hand cupped her breast.
Gabrielle drew a sharp breath. “Yes.”
He brushed his fingers over her cheek, past her ear, and through her hair. Leaning toward her, he murmured, “And may I do this?”
I keep shouting from the rooftops, “CONSENT IS SEXY!” You’ve just proved my point. 😀
Thank you for reading! I’m glad I pulled it off…where their encounter started was anything but consenting (her father’s fault), so I wanted to draw a sharp contrast. I also wanted to show that even though Gerard has the power to take anything he wants, he’s neither abusive nor selfish. 🙂
*applauds* 🙂
Nice, Lisa! Add my vote for “clear consent is sexy.” Quite the confession, indeed: “The ru’Shar isn’t supposed to admit he has a heart.”
Thanks so much for the feedback! Gerard is the heir to the largest empire in this world, and he’s been raised to embrace arrogance and not admit to weakness. For him to admit he’s vulnerable is a big thing for him.
Hi, Lisa! THANK YOU for the good wishes. And…I can totally see a Patrick Stewart-like dragon. Hahaha. WOW, great scene. And YESSS, love the explicit consent! This is a big issue for me…I am taking part in a panel about sexy consent at the New England Chapter RWA conference next month. What a great example!
Thanks, Bryn. I didn’t even think about the wider social implications of what’s going on here when I wrote (or chose to post) this scene. 🙂 I am sending good wishes your way so you can meet that deadline!!
Today, my sister-in-law and I decided to take some computer classes, even though we’re both multi-published. It was really interesting, and we both learned things about the keyboards and functions we didn’t know. I was surprised. Tomorrow we go back for the second class (end for this section). Next week, it’s on to Windows 10. What fun.
I thought I’d outgrown school years ago, but I’m really enjoying these computer classes. I’ve been writing books on a computer since 1987, but I’ve found there was still a whole lot I didn’t know about computer functions. Today we learned how to put two pages up side-by-side. Which in my case is great for applying changes from an email critique partner. My sister-in-law, Mary Rich, and I are not only going to do Windows 10 classes, we’re going to go onto intermediate computer classes. This could become addicting.
Hi, Sue! It’s great to hear from you! That is so interesting. I think of myself as computer savvy, but I bet there are a LOT of things I could learn! For me, I think it’s so important to always keep learning. It sounds great!
Working on outreach for my new website that compiles Self-Publishing info.
Cary, that sounds like such a great project! Congratulations. I bet people are going to love it!