The other day, a coworker of mine said something that offended someone else we work with. He’s a nice person, he apologized immediately, and his apology was accepted.
Now, nobody goes through life without offending anybody, ever, and I told him he should let it go. He didn’t want to forgive himself for it, though.
Sometimes we think that if we feel guilty for a long time, that means we’re a good person. I don’t think it works that way at all.
When we go into a shame spiral, we keep telling ourselves things like, “I’m so stupid,” “I’m such a screwup,” and so on. We reinforce a negative image of ourselves. Because we’re focused on ourselves and programming ourselves for failure, we become more likely to make mistakes…which will lead to more shame. And that negative self-image will hold us back in so many ways.
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Guilt and Depression
I’ve written before about my recovery from serious depression. In the course of getting better, I figured out that most of my depression was triggered by feelings of shame. If I forgot something or I messed something up, I felt worthless.
I forgot a meeting? I’d think, “I should kill myself.” Ridiculous. As if my coworkers at my funeral would stand around saying, “It’s a shame, but then again, she did miss staff. It was the only honorable thing to do.”
I had to come up with new responses to my mistakes and failures. Instead of thinking terrible things, I’d force myself to think something like, “Well, that was an easy mistake to make.” And then I’d listen to a Beyoncé song or go get a latte.
If you struggle with depression, shame and guilt are luxuries you cannot afford.
Lessons Learned
Can you still learn your lesson if you don’t feel bad for a long time? Absolutely.
In my planner, I have a section called “Lessons Learned.” When I mess up — or when things just go badly in general, for avoidable reasons — I do what I can to fix it, and I write down the lesson I learned.
While I’m at it, I read over some of the other lessons I’ve written down in the past, to remind myself of them. Some of them are easy to forget — even if I felt really bad at the time! For me, at least, a written record is actually a better teacher than feeling awful.
Anyway, once I’ve fixed things the best I can and I’ve written down the lesson, the episode is done. I’ve closed the loop, and I carry on with my life.
If you flagellate yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings, I want to suggest to you that you can stop doing it…and you deserve better.
We all make mistakes, and it does suck. But it’ll suck a lot less if we don’t lug around the heavy weight of guilt.
I’m sure a lot of my readers have found ways to be more forgiving of themselves and to avoid mentally beating themselves up. I’d love to hear about it in the comments! Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful week!
Wow, thank you for this post. I wish I’d started a Lessons Learned list when I started this new job back in July, it would be a mile long by now, lol. I’m probably going to steal this idea, if you don’t mind. I think it’s brilliant!
Haha, I’ve been keeping one for my job for the last eight months or so…and it is long! And there were days when I wrote 3 different things on there. Yes, steal away!! 😀
Perfect post for this time of year. Breathe, let it in, then let it go. Can’t change what happened. You can’t take back what you said. You can only try and do better the next time, because there’s always a next time.
I love how you’ve put this…thanks, Sara! And thanks for the kind words. 🙂
Not exactly a quote from my book, but close, and fitting.
Hi Brtn,
Great to connect with you!
I’m Jo – artist, writer, traveller (I was interviewed by local radio on that subject), mental health advocate, music lover, wild west nut intrigued by science, and renaissance soul with a potty sense of humour.
Four years ago I began a three-year journey towards miraculous full recovery after thirty years of depression – a medication crisis was the catalyst, I’ve never felt this good – and I’m chronicling the rebuild of my polymath and adventurous, creative lifestyle on my blog,
Creating My Odyssey
I’m networking with creatives with mental health issues and reaching people with a voice, and those with depression in particular, to show that depression is the most treatable of mental illnesses.
By enormous good chance through my medication crisis and wonderful neighbours, we met the brilliant mental health team, who, with a combination of medication (known as California Rocket Fuel – love it!) and cognitive behavioural therapy, brought me to where I am now. Which proves that provided sufferers know where to look, help is available. That’s the hard part, which shouldn’t be the case.
Creating My Odyssey is a great vehicle for my creativity – writing (anecdotal articles and an epic novel) and art – and also covers a myriad of eclectic subjects. I’m unleashing everything that was previously hidden under a bushel, and I’ve been interviewed and had articles published on mental health sites.
I’m also posting blog links on my site and would love to exchange links and guest posts with other bloggers, particularly on mental health matters, so if you’re interested, I’d love to hear from you. Also, if possible, to collaborate with other creatives who suffer or have suffered from mental health problems. Possibly exchange blog posts about creative lives, whatever ideas anyone may have. I’m open to (almost!) anything!
I’ve also been writing a humongous novel forever, on and off, particularly during young parenthood and depression, to help keep me sane. Alias Jeannie Delaney is the life story of a devastating cowgirl who’s the fastest gun in the west and also bisexual. Since my recovery from depression I’ve decided it’s time to get it out there! I’m blogging about it on my site. Talking of the wild west, I’ve had interviews about my fascination for it, and even appeared on a news item on southern UK television!
Thank you so much for reading, and I’d love you to follow me on my travels through life.
Jo UK
I’ve had an interview published here:
Leslie Tate interview/Recovering From Depression Part 1
Leslie Tate interview/Recovering From Depression Part 2
I’ve had mental health articles published here:
Councillors Cafe – All Dried Up
Councillors Cafe – My Experience of CBT
Rachel Kelly/My wellness story by Jo Clutton
Creative Mental Health – One of the Hardest Things
iam1in4/creating-my-odyssey
Author Jo Clutton – Mental Movement
Lifelightsmag – Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Wife?
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?hl=en-GB#search/debra+eve/15db4d7eee98805a –
More Proof It’s Never Too Late
I had many anecdotal articles published in the Alton Gazette (Hampshire UK)
I was featured in my cowgirl role in the
Alton Gazette and The Sunday Telegraph Magazine!
I had an article on narrow boating featured in Waterways World
I write about life, creativity and mental health here:
http://www.jo-b-creative.blogspot.co.uk
I go west here:
Kitty Le Roy’s Wild West
I talk to mates and share here:
Facebook Jo Bennett
I share my posts here:
Facebook Creating My Odyssey
I jaw with western folks here:
Facebook Kitty Le Roy’s Wild West Saloon
I tweet here:
Twitter Jo Clutton
I post some of my umpteen zillion photos here: Instagram JMClutton
I find interesting folk to exchange notes with here:
Linkedin Jo Clutton
I pin loads of images here:
Pinterest
You are right, Bryn, about the spiral of guilt – it only leads to more, and sometimes non-ending, pain.
In the few weeks before my beloved grandmother, Miss Ruby, passed away, all she wanted to talk about were the things she wished she hadn’t done, the small neglects, and hurt feelings she may have caused. This self-accusatory litany destroyed the peace she deserved at the end of a gracious life. I swore then that I would never carry recriminations to my grave. So if I screw up – and we all do – I think about it, apologize for it, sometimes write about it, and when the sun comes up the next day, I take the lesson with me and move on.
Great subject. We can learn from each other.
Hi, P.J., so nice to see you 🙂 It’s so sad to hear about your grandmother’s self-blame, especially when she meant so much to her family. But you’ve taken such an important lesson from it. Some people’s stories just stick with me forever, and I think that’s going to be one of them. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Thank you! I think you summed it up best with “we think if we feel guilty for a long time, that means we’re a good person.” Because if you’re not constantly flagellating yourself for past mistakes, that obviously means you’re an awful person with no sense of responsibility. And who exactly benefits from all the guilt? Umm…no one. I relate a lot to what you said about really, really minor things making me feel worthless. There have even been times when I’ve felt guilty for not feeling guilty about something. I’m glad you laid out so succinctly just how ridiculous this mindset is.
Thank you for sharing this. I am severely bipolar and it isn’t always easy to forgive myself. Reading your blog reminded me of what I need to do to stay stable.
Strongly Agreed.
It is hard to break the concept of guilt and shame up. We often confuse or allow them both to be placed on us (me) and the weight is unbearable. especially when the action was a truly self-centered bad thing…like having an affair and hurting your family. I doubt my ex realizes how close she has pushed me to suicide through her flagrant disregard for my feeling or pleas for forgiveness. i do feel untitled at times but I do realize what I did hurt her tremendously…but she had been pushing me away for 5-8 years by this point So I had zero idea that she still wanted to truly be with me…IDK….it all seems so real yet so distant after 2 years of crying and begging for some sort of reconcilistion.