Most readers of my blog know that I write some steamy romance. A few of you even know that in the past year, I got a new job editing “sweet romance,” which is the industry term for romance with no sex at all.
I’ve always enjoyed all kinds of romantic stories and movies as a reader and a viewer, so I don’t find it strange at all to work on both. I’m even in the middle of writing a sweet romance right now.
However, I’ve always known that lots of people, particularly people who haven’t read a romance in twenty years, treat steamy romance writers with derision. They make jokes about the goofy euphemisms romance writers supposedly use for sex organs, although almost all romance writers have discarded these in favor of more direct language.
They also behave as though writers of sexy romance must all be bad writers. Most romance writers are women, and there is some sexism at work here: a discomfort with women authoring sexual content instead of being the object in it.
I’ve known all that for years. What I’ve learned in the past year, though, is that plenty of people also deride sex-free romance.
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Some of this is defensiveness, based on how steamy romance writers and readers are treated. And it’s absolutely the case that some big fans of sex-free romance will heap scorn on the sexy kind.
However, the very existence of sex-free romance is not a criticism of sex-filled romance, and there are many reasons why people prefer the former.
The majority of readers of sex-free romance are uncomfortable with sex scenes, maybe because of their religion, their culture, or their upbringing. Many of them don’t want to encounter premarital sex in particular, because they believe it’s morally wrong. You already know about that.
But from talking to readers, I’ve learned that there are a whole host of other reasons people read it, too.
Some people don’t like sex scenes because it reminds them of past abuse or trauma.
Some people can’t relate as well to sex scenes because they’re virgins.
Some people don’t like them because they have body image issues, and would prefer not to dwell too long on thoughts of whether they look okay naked.
Some people are unable to have sex…or having sex is so difficult that it’s honestly not even worth it. It may be because they or their partner has a sexual dysfunction, medical condition, or disability. People in this particular situation can feel quite alone, when in fact, it’s not even that unusual.
And some people are asexual.
I have a high sex drive, and I still enjoy sex-free romance for pleasure as well as for work. Sexual tension is still tension, and sometimes I just want to relax and experience a story with less tension.
Now, nobody needs to justify the kinds of stories they enjoy, as long as those stories don’t advocate harm. Sometimes we ourselves don’t even know why we like something. Nonetheless, these are all perfectly understandable reasons to prefer sex-free romance.
I don’t care that much if people deride sex-free romance. Lots of people love to talk about what they don’t like, and I’ve done the same thing before, so I can’t be too much of a hypocrite. These days, I try to define myself by what I do like, and let other people enjoy whatever they enjoy uninterrupted, but it’s a fairly recent development.
It does bother me, however, when people say that romance can’t be platonic…that, by definition, it must include sex, or at least sexual desire.
I think when people say things like this, they feel very liberal and enlightened. In fact, it’s hurtful and dismissive to asexuals and to those in committed romantic relationships that are platonic for whatever reason.
Romance is a broad genre. The only real requirements are love and a happy ending. I think it’s great that there are so many different kinds of stories to reach different kinds of readers…and even satisfy the same reader’s every mood. There’s room for everyone.
Great article, and I agree about one not judging the other. I write sweet romance. I just prefer to keep my steamy sides private. And I personally prefer romance that leaves it up to the imagination. Plus, I may be 48 years old, but I still think – do I really want my dad reading this?
Writing sweet presents a different set of challenges. I write with very little sexual tension – a kiss at the end. But that means I need to make both the hero and the heroine’s souls attractive enough that you still root for them to get together. It’s a continual study to perfect this art.
I had to smile at: “Do I really want my dad reading this?” I don’t think my parents read my steamy romances, though I know they’re proud of me. I’m going to dedicate the sweet one to them. It is a different challenge to show attraction that’s almost all about personality, and I’m really enjoying that!
Thanks for this. Sometimes I need the reminder to step outside of my own experiences to understand someone else.
Aww, thanks for reading, hon!
Bryn, I write sweet romance (no graphic sex scenes – all that goes on behind closed doors). My books do have premarital sex, I just don’t describe the actions. I have a problem finding the right niche to market my books. I can’t call them Christian romance – they’re not. The strongest words I use are hell and damn. I have just finished the third book in my Spruce Creek Romance series (pen name Sharon Burgess). Simply Outrageous will be available next week. All three books in the trilogy are stand alone novels. Any suggestions on how to market these types of books?
Hi, Sharon! Congratulations on the upcoming release of your third book! That is a tricky niche, and at the same time, I know there are plenty of readers who like that. I think you can definitely call them “sweet romance,” because I’ve read several books placed in that category that are similar to yours.
Personal opinion here, but I find I am only bothered by the amount of sex in a romance when it distracts from the story. Sex is fine if it helps develop the characters or the plot – like everything else in a novel. Sex free writing can also be distracting if it seems contrived. Loving couple in older movies and television programs would sleep in separate beds even if they were married.
Hi, Robert! I agree with you completely. Sex scenes need to have a purpose to the story — they can’t just be a sex break! I never heard about that separate beds thing…that is pretty funny, and it would be distracting. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
I write primarily lesfic mysteries. I was taken to task by more than one reader for having the first book in my series have only a fade to black sex scene and the second book in the same series have no sex. Since they’re mysteries first and the story arc for my two leading ladies was going to be a long one, I didn’t want them hopping in and out of bed, especially if the sex didn’t fit the story. Lesbian readers – many of them – felt differently. One told me, the sex is what makes it lesbian. In her eyes, without the sex, it was just a female version of a buddy story.
I brought up my dilemma in a couple of Facebook groups dedicated to lesfic. Overwhelmingly, the women in the groups preferred to have sex scenes. Most of those that did not care for the scenes said they still read books with them, as most lesfic contains sex, they just skipped them. I put sex in the third book and it sold like crazy.
This topic came up again in a mystery panel I sat on at the GCLS con (a lesbian fiction society) this past year and at a romance panel I attended at the same con. Overwhelmingly, the readers in the room felt sex was important as long as it fit the story.
For a population that does not want to be defined by what we do in the bedroom, myself included, I find this need to have sex in lesbian identified fiction ironic.
I’m about to release a lesfic romance for Christmas. It’s New Adult and Sweet. It will be quite the experiment. Let the chips fall where they may.
Hi, Anne! I’m surprised that anyone would think a mystery had to have sex, though I know some people feel that way about romances. That is really interesting…and I imagine, a little frustrating, in cases where you don’t think sex belongs in a story. Congratulations on the upcoming release, and good luck!
Great article and generally very inclusive. However, I do want to point out that platonic relationships are considered both non-sexual and non-romantic. A romantic relationship without sex is still a romantic relationship because romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction. Even though they do walk hand-in-hand for a lot of people. Still different things. Platonic relationships are their own thing, and it’s just very erasing when it gets conflated with romance.
I completely agree, Rivers. Thank you so much for commenting!
It’s a shame that Romance has typically been such a maligned genre. I don’t read as much of anything as I used to, but when I read or read (present and past tenses…goofy word!) romance novels, I prefer steamy because, well, I’m that way inclined. lol I really like sex…there, I’ve said it. However, I’m also a “Period Romance” person (or even fantasy romance person)…and often the sex takes place between characters who are or will be married – that element of tension is part of the fun for me, and the idea of marriage means a great deal to me, too. I hope this isn’t offensive (great way to start a sentence!), but when I think of “Sweet Romance”, I tend to think “YA Fiction for Adults”. I do not say that in a negative tone, however, as I can appreciate the appeal and even necessity of it in the Romance genre. Romance can include sex – it definitely doesn’t have to. Romance can lead to sex – again, doesn’t have to – sometimes it’s even more fun when it doesn’t. It’s nice to have a plethora of options to suit all moods and tastes – as with everything in life.
Lisa, I laughed at “great way to start a sentence!” Of course it wasn’t offensive at all, though. I find that sometimes I’m in the mood for something very specific, like steamy M/M historical, and only that will do… and other times, I read all over the place. 😀 Thanks for commenting! Hope you’re having a great weekend!
I don’t write (I scribble drivel that goes nowhere). I read and read and read. I read EVERY kind of romance from Barbara Cartland and the action in between the dots (he….lifted his hand…..and touched……..her cheek..) to Emilie Loring and Kate Pearce. (yeah, huge differences!!) They are all fun and different. Sometimes one wants bubble gum books and sometimes one wants to read gum with a bit more zing.
I write historical romance with very explicit sex scenes and I have done very well with this genre and this kind of scenes. And I have to say that I have two people who read my novels when I have just written them and one of them is my mother who corrects my texts and my biggest fan. I just do not think it’s my mother who’s going to read those scenes but a good friend. Then when she has read it we start talking about what things have looked good and what has not, in the story. When I tell my friends that my mother reads those stories, they look at me horrified and I just laugh.
I’m a man writing of ‘His & Her’ relationships, mostly in the form of internet messaging, and related poetry. Early days I’d written of lust in explicit ways ( none ever posted) yet soon found the implicit approach so much more absorbing on putting words to page. I’t took me quite a while to realise my words of want and need, of hope and fears amount to romance, and despite my occasional flirt with the dark side ( recently contributed to a scary stories anthology!) I may well find myself writing happy endings. We’ll see?. Best regards. Eric.
Just my opinion here, but I’ve been asked to read and review lots of books over the years and I’ll say this: A book with sex scene after sex scene is…wait for it…BORING! Give me a good plot that twists and turns – not somebody dropping her drawers every five minutes!
Hi, Bryn!
Personally I prefer to read and write sweet romance, if a story holds steamy bits I kind of just skim over it to see if there are any relevant plot points or information being given. While I won’t hold it against an author for writing ‘sexy’ scenes, I do find it frustrating when an author merely writes sex for sex-sake. In my own opinion it should be used as a plot device or as a way to comment on the characters’ relationship. But I understand that sometimes this is how people are – having sex not for love or for some other reason, but simply because they want to – and I know I’ve gt a bit to go before I’m truly okay with a non-plot relevant sex scene.
Thanks for the post!
Bryn, Thank you for exploring the nuances of romance writing. I am relatively new to the reading and writing of these stories, though my other books all seem to have included aspects of what make this genre great. I agree that in the industry, whether through reader or author interpretation, typically, romance=sex, and when I started writing my first romance novel specifically for Hallmark, I was stymied by the lack of physical affection I could show. At first. The cool (very descriptive, huh?) thing that happened next, was that I, as the author, had to find a way to show desire and love and affection without sex, and it only made my characters and story stronger. What I realized after, was that sex scenes can always be added in to appease a certain audience, but that writing the first draft without it makes for a heckuva story as well.
Also, I teach at NAU in Arizona, with my MFA from there as well. My dad was a Wildcat though. 😉
… and some people (moi) think sex scenes are boring because the story grinds to a halt!
Hello. Now I see the dates on this string are rather old, but I will still comment. I always like the Greek explanation of Love or Romance. The English language falls short with the word ‘love.’ You can ‘love’ you wife/girlfriend. You can love football and you can love a cold beer on a hot day, all covered by the same word.
Now in Greek, if you write a hot steamy Romance, it is Eros. Eros is mainly based on sexual attraction.
I have written a novel about two people, a male who is quite a lot older than the woman. They face really horrid circumstances and their friendship deepens. That I describe as Philia love. Philia represents the sincere and platonic love. The kind of love you have for your a really good friend.
Then there is Lindus love. Lindus is the flirtatious and teasing kind of love, the love mostly accompanied by dancing or laughter.
There is Pragma Love, the everlasting love between a married couple which develops over a long period of time. Pragma was the highest form of love.
There is Agape love. Agape love is selfless love, the love for humanity. It is the closest to unconditional love.
So, take your choice. If it is sex, then Eros is what it is.
If really good friends, male and female, inseparable but platonic, then it is Philia. I consider that Philia love, where as you can have a close relationship with a woman but on relationship (meaning sex) there is less chance of issues developing.
Well, that is my take on the subject anyway.
Peter