Most of us believe in the value of venting. “I just need to get it off my chest,” we say, or “I just need to blow off some steam.” By complaining, we believe that we won’t carry the negativity inside of us any more, because we let it out.
It makes so much sense! Except that it doesn’t always work that way.
If someone we know is causing us distress, it’s obviously healthy to have an honest talk, being as respectful as we can, with that person. That takes a little bravery; it’s much easier to complain to someone else entirely, which does no good at all.
If we’re overwhelmed with sad feelings and we don’t know how to sort them out, it’s a good idea to get help from one of the wisest people we know—or from a professional therapist, if possible.
I’m not talking about those things, though. I’m talking about venting and complaining about whatever happened to put us in a bad mood today. That’s not as good for us.
There are many ways we respond to negative emotions that give us temporary relief, but are bad for us (and sometimes those around us) in the long run: alcohol, drugs, and overeating, for example. Venting also falls into this category, and here are some reasons why.
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1. Venting is bad for our brains.
Psychological experiments and studies over the decades have shown that complaining rewires our brains. It wears down a path of negativity, making it easier for our thoughts to travel in a negative direction in the future. (On the other hand, positive affirmations can keep us thinking clearly, even under stress.)
2. Venting keeps us focused on negativity longer.
Not too long ago, I saw someone on Facebook complaining about how irritated he’d been to be stuck in line behind a slow woman at the grocery store. I admit I was tempted to say to him that it was too bad she had cut into his online complaining time. 🙂
Seriously, by taking the time to write a post about it, he chose to prolong her negative impact on his life. If he’d been able to turn his thoughts to something else as soon as he got out to the parking lot, he would’ve been happier.
3. Venting draws others into our negativity.
Don’t get me wrong: when we’re facing a challenge, it makes sense to talk it over honestly with our friends and family. They can reassure us that we can handle it, and they can help us come up with strategies for doing so.
When we make a habit of venting your frustrations, however, we run the risk of bringing our friends and family down — and making conversations all about us rather than about them.
If we choose to post a rant on social media or an online forum, we may bring down a lot of people who are connected to us on the internet. Psychology professor Jeffrey Lohr memorably compares this to farting in an elevator. “I just want to vent.” Well, thanks a lot.
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What We Can Try Instead
We’re all human, and we’re all going to complain and rant sometimes. But when we’re feeling angry or stressed, here are some alternate ways we can try responding to it.
Distraction
Watch or re-watch a funny movie or TV show. Read the first chapter of a new book. Our brains aren’t that good at following two storylines at once, so they’ll drop our personal “I am so mad/depressed/hurt/freaked out” storyline in order to follow another one for a while.
Gratitude
Even when things really, really suck, most of use have a lot of things to be grateful for. Maybe we’re cancer-free. Maybe we have electricity at our house. Or maybe we have as much fresh water as we want, without having to take more than a few dozen steps to get it.
Maybe some people we love very much are alive. Maybe our dogs or cats are alive.
When we think about some of the things we take for granted… and really think about how awful it would be not to have those things… our problems don’t seem quite as dire, after all.
Getting A Little Exercise
I know how irritating this advice is. I find it irritating myself, and I wish it weren’t true, but it is. A walk or a short workout lifts most people’s moods and burns off anger and resentment.
Asking for Support or Action
In the face of a societal problem, if we can suggest a way to help — even a small action that might be worth a try — it’s great to share that far and wide.
If we’re feeling down, we can be brief about the reason why, and ask people for reassurance. A lot of times, we vent in hopes that someone will offer encouragement in return. Why not be direct about it? It’s okay to ask for support, as long as we make a habit of supporting others as well. Which leads me to the last thing…
Saying Something Nice
Go leave a glowing review of a restaurant where you’ve always gotten good service. Or send someone a card just saying you’re thinking of them and hope they have a great day. It’s really hard to feel mad when you’re saying something nice, and hard to feel down about yourself when you’re putting someone else in a good mood.
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If you’ve had a rough time lately (and believe me, most of us are right there with you) and you could use a positive reset, you might like my journal full of creative writing exercises, The Book of Dreams Come True. It started out as journal exercises I created for myself to get in a more positive mind frame.
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What alternatives to venting work for you? Or do you believe in venting and think this is all nonsense? Let me know in the comments! Thanks so much for reading!
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The only thing I will say is that I think there are different types of venting. For instance, if I’ve had an especially stressful week or month and so has a friend of mine, we will meet up at the gym after work some Friday then hit up happy hour nearby and just bitch our hearts out over margaritas for an hour or so. Once it’s out of our systems, we move on! I think that kind of occasional venting can be productive, especially if you incorporate something healthy like the gym or a walk to balance things out… I think DWELLING is what really gets people. The more you dwell and obsess over everything negative in your life the worse everything gets, especially your health.
If you vent and you still feel mad about the thing or feel like crap in general afterwards, then it is probably not a good strategy for you. But if a brief unloading session with a friend makes you feel better after and you’re able to release your frustrations into the wild so to speak, then it can work. But I feel like it is definitely a strategy to be used sparingly…if you make it a habit it ends up becoming your entire personality and before you know it, you’re focusing on the negative all the time. It should be like a “break-in-case-of-emergency” type thing I think, at least for me. Totally agree with venting online not being productive and possibly harmful- both to yourself if you don’t get the response you hoped for, and to others who may already feel down. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it but I can’t remember a single time it has really helped, unless I’m asking for help thinking of solutions to a problem rather than just complaining about it. Great post. 🙂
You know, as soon as I posted this, I thought about how you’d have a pretty different take on the issue. 🙂 I think in some ways we have really different philosophies… and in other ways, not at all, you know? Thanks for reading my blog even though you don’t always agree with it! I always love hearing what you have to say.
Hi! I totally agree with you about shaking it off whatever way works for you!!
My kids all have ADHD. We started talking about ways to shake off their meltdowns.
Beating a pillow in their room helped them a lot. As they got older, all 3 read books or magazines instead.
I am disability retired.
I am writing a book. So I work on that when my feelings overwhelm me.
I can do leg exercises and they are good for me.
I also read, and sew.
These activities help me shake off those testy feelings as well.
We all have irritations at one time or another.
How we handle them shows our inner character.
And you have a wonderful character!
Hey there! I really love your suggestions for dealing with overwhelming feelings… I am going to keep those in mind! I haven’t spend as much time as I’d like writing, and this reminds me that I really am more mentally healthy when I’m writing regularly. I like what you said here especially: “We all have irritations at one time or another. How we handle them shows our inner character.” I’m going to keep that in mind. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
Great advice Bryn!
Aw thanks, Cheryl! Thank you for reading!
Interesting article, Bryn, and I agree with you that dwelling on an issue by supposedly venting is a TERRIBLE idea. However, I also agree with destielruinedmylife that having a b!tch with understanding friends over a coffee or a drink can lead to a few laughs and let off a bit of steam. I’ve found with parenting that it’s great knowing you’re not alone when your kid sticks a raisin up their nose or flushes a whole roll of toilet paper and backs up the pipes and the person you’re talking to nods in complete understanding because their child did the same damn thing last week…something to be said for parents having a rant together. These days, however, my husband and I have shrugged off much of what used to give rise to venting around our house; we had the delicious opportunity to move to the middle of nowhere, Tasmania, buy a dumpy little house we’re renovating, and focus on our kids and each other (in addition to me writing and him doing the renovating). Repeated rants or venting are, I think, indicative of a bigger problem, especially if the same issues keep coming up again and again. I used to have this when I worked in a library…I would come home and vent instead of confronting my boss about her rude behaviour. That was mostly my problem, and I wish I’d had more guts at the time, but instead I chose to quit the library and open an organic/vegetarian café with my husband…omg, never do that if you value your sanity!! (It was great sometimes, but I swear…some of the adventures we had, especially on public holidays…) I guess my advice is to do what makes you happy and find your happy place…that cuts right down on the amount of venting one needs to do. (Not that I claim the solution is necessarily an easy one…)
Hi, Lisa! Thank you for such a thoughtful response. You bring up such a good point about how helpful it can be to know you’re not alone with a problem… it does make me feel better sometimes to know that other people have had the same struggle I have, and it’s not just “my fault.”
Oh my goodness… I can imagine that opening a cafe could be really nuts! I am working on getting a new business off the ground right now — a very different kind of business, but still, it can be intense!
All the best with your new enterprise, Bryn! I’ve had the fortune to experience small business ownership twice – once because my husband owned his own computer repair/sales business when we got married (he finally got over it after 14 years, and when our third child came along, he said, “Enough’s enough…no more computers!”), and second time was the café (I was going through a foodie phase, and we thought “How hard can it be?” – turns out VERY! lol But also profitable and rewarding…and we learned how to make some mean cappuccinos, too).
From my own experience, it’s always intense because you’re putting a piece of yourself out there – and whether it’s cappuccinos or computers or novels or whatever, it’s an investment of your time, energy and emotion in something that often takes on a life of its own. So as they say here in Australia (I’m from Chicago originally): “Good on ya!” and I’m cheering for you. 🙂
I think you’re right about venting. I never thought about how it could bring other people down. I know that the more I think about a subject, the more I tend to dwell on it than necessary. And that fires me up more.
Talking, rather than venting, helps me feel better and it helps that my family puts things into perspective. They help me to see that things are not as bad as they appear to be. And that I am human. I can’t make everyone happy. It’s not my job.
Thanks for the comment, G.R.! Can I say how much I love: “I can’t make everyone happy. It’s not my job.”? I am going to be thinking about that. Thanks for reading!
At first glance, I was inclined to disagree, since I think being able to validate one’s feelings, even it they are anger/annoyance, fear/worry, sadness/disappointment as well as joy/contentment is important. I’ve heard those first thtree emotions called negative emotions, but I don’t necessarily think that’s valid. But if one gets stuck in “I’m pissed off,” or “My life sucks” I can see why trying some of your five suggestions (or all of them) would be healthier than complaining/venting, as long as you’re not suggesting that burying those feelings or pretending they aren’t there is a good idea. Fear, for example, can be a signal that something is not right. Anger can energize you to help you take an action, and sadness is appropriate when a loss is experienced. I wouldn’t think trying to deny them by reading a chapter or making a gratitude list or giving a good review to a restaurant would make anything better; however, asking for help is always a courageous thing to do, either from a good friend or a professional, and it’s a good move, as is exercise. I would save those other things until after the feeling has been acknowledged. An empathetic response from a friend can do wonders. That’s just me, maybe.
Hi, Pat! Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment. And thanks for reading!
Your post and all the comments gave me plenty to think about. Thanks. You chose the word “venting”- not “complaining” or “negative spiral” or “anger”. I think that venting could be a coping strategy, couldn’t it?