I had an epiphany the other day, and it went like this. Some friends of mine were discussing cruises, and one of them said she didn’t think she would like going on one because there would be group dinners and group activities.
I thought: What? That would be so much fun! You’d meet all kinds of new people!
And then I froze up and had this existential WHO AM I? moment.
I realized I’d become… maybe, just a tiny bit… of an extrovert.
On the Myers Briggs personality test, which I first took over 15 years ago, I’d always tested out as an INFJ. It’s a rare type, but in my experience, it’s fairly common among writers. The last time I took it was 5 or 6 years ago, for work. We were discussing how to make things more comfortable for introverts and extroverts, and my fellow introverted co-workers were joking around about putting in a ball pit for the extroverts.
I was so sure of my identity! Sometimes, I wondered how to be more social, but only because I thought I should. I figured that introversion and extroversion were more or less immutable characteristics, and I’d always been introverted.
Besides, I tested way to the introvert side on the Myers-Briggs. The only questions that made me look more introverted were the ones about sharing and self-disclosure, because I’d always been an open book. I was just the kind of open book that wanted to be off on its own corner of the library, or something.
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My Introverted Past
One of my early memories involves being five or six and attending a child’s birthday party. Everyone was playing games, but I sat on the floor staring down. I vaguely wished it was possible for me to do otherwise, but it wasn’t.
At gatherings with relatives for birthdays, I always wanted to go home much, much sooner than we did. I would wait for what seemed like hours for the bliss of going back to my room.
It didn’t win me a lot of friends. In the 5th grade, I invited a bunch of girls to a birthday slumber party, and only two came. And then when I got the Lord of the Rings trilogy from my parents, I completely ignored my two guests and read all night. Wow, Bryn, wonder why you didn’t have friends? Haha.
As an adult, I needed vast amounts of time alone. I married someone who was the same way.
It’s only been in the last couple of years ago that I’ve noticed a shift.
The Early Warning Signs
I started suggesting a few more socializing opportunities to people… and getting disappointed on the occasions they didn’t want to do it, because my real life friends are both very busy and complete introverts. (In the past, at least part of me would feel relieved when plans fell through. Now, this literally never happens.)
I started being that person who talks to strangers on the elevator. Before, I was the person who thought, “Why must strangers talk to me on the elevator?”
My new job is quite flexible, and there are some good reasons for working at home on some days. When I’m swamped, I don’t have to take the extra time to get ready and drive in to the office. And when I have conference calls, I don’t have to hunt down a conference room (I would disturb the writers around me if I did conference calls in my cubicle.) Nonetheless, if I worked at home two days in a row, I would feel sort of depressed because I didn’t get to see anybody. Except my dogs, who do count, of course.
Introverts love working at home. I should have realized much sooner that something was up.
How I Think It Happened
First of all, I blame social media. I find it very comfortable to interact online, on Facebook (including Facebook groups), on Twitter, and on this blog. In the digital space, I’m even a little bit of a social butterfly. I guess it was a matter of time before that behavior started bleeding over into “real life.”
I also think the new job has made me more extroverted. I’ve met a lot of new people and I’ve been on the phone more. In the past, I didn’t talk on the phone at length to anyone except my parents… like most introverts, I loved texting and hated the phone.
I’m Still Adjusting to Life As An Extrovert.
For instance, I’m still getting used to the fact that if I don’t get together with friends (or potential friends!) on the weekend, I’m going to wake up Monday morning feeling grumpy. This past weekend, I mostly worked, but I had my first Board of Directors meeting at The Writers Place in Kansas City, so I didn’t feel completely isolated.
I’m realizing that I don’t mind being busy at my job or working hard… as long as I have time to be social. Even a little break helps!
I’m thinking ahead to my summer and considering how to be more social and how to find opportunities to connect with other people.
At work, I’m going to start setting up more lunches and coffee breaks with people.
It’s all very new, but I think I’ll like being more outgoing.
Do you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert? Have you ever made a change from one to the other? I’d love to hear about it in the comments. Thanks so much for reading, and have a social or non-social week… whatever you prefer!
I’m an extrovert. But I only figured that out as an adult. My behaviour at school was totally isolationist, and it took some time to realise that it wasn’t about “not liking people”, it was about not liking the people at those particular schools. College was brilliant (at least until my illness kicked in) because it introduced me to a lot of people I actually *wanted* to know.
I suspect this is pretty common with misfit extroverts at school. The “misfit” can override the “extrovert” part – at least until they enter a social atmosphere to their liking. (One reason why I love the homeschool idea 🙂 )
Hi, Lia! Yeah, I had that experience too, with fitting in more in college (and sorry you had to deal with the illness.) It’s such a good point — I know a lot more creative weirdos like me than I used to.
My school experience before college was so miserable that I definitely think homeschool is the right thing for some kids. Kids don’t learn anything valuable from being bullied, in my opinion.
Thanks so much for commenting!
Hi, I’m being homeschooled, and in a way it has made me more of an introvert. I don’t have many friends, but I wouldn’t exactly call me an introvert, as I enjoy being around people too.
I would never change the fact that I am homeschooled, as it has given me so many more opportunities than being in school would’ve.
I test out as an INFJ too and, for the most part, the personality type does fit me. But, like you, I have totally extroverted moments that are colored by my underlying introverted personality type. For example, after long conditioning, I don’t mind getting up in front of a large group and speaking. It’s not my favorite thing to do but, because of the jobs that I’ve had, it’s been a necessity and I’ve come to terms with it.
I long to stay at home and write the day away while my extroverted spouse (who doesn’t get my craving for daily quiet time at all) goes off to work. Unfortunately, I’m not at that stage yet and might never be so 6 days a week I trundle off to my part-time customer facing position, put on a happy face and deal with whatever the public needs, when they need it. I’m extroverted on command, I guess.
Anne, you sound like a TRUE professional. I’ve read before that introverts have an advantage with public speaking, because they’re more likely to plan things out well ahead of time. I don’t know if that’s true, but it makes sense to me… and I do think writers are particularly good at public speaking, because the two things are so related.
I hope you get to that dream space of more quiet time to write the day away!
I am an introvert. I get so nervous talking to people. It’s hard making small talk to complete strangers. My family and friends think it’s a miracle I got married because I don’t talk a lot. But I must have said the right things. But even then, it was hard to converse with people because my wife monopolized the conversation.
But I am working on being more sociable. And I have my wife to thank. She encourages me to be more outgoing; to speak up for myself whenever I see something wrong. Besides talking to customers at work, I am trying to call friends and family more. When we’re at parties, I introduce my family. It helps me be out of myself.
G.R., you’re kind of reminding me of Mr. Donovan. He is a quiet guy, but he swept me off my feet! I find that some people who are actually pretty good at making conversation still feel very shy and uncomfortable about it. And good listeners never seem to realize what a gift that actually is… good listeners are hard to find! It sounds like you and your wife are a good balance for one another.
I’m glad you talk here! Thanks for commenting!
I’m largely introverted, but I attribute it to underlying mechanics of my neurology — I’m slow to make changes in general, and even with a number of horrendous birthday party stories under my belt, I eventually managed to have a birthday dinner, with a bunch of friends, in my late twenties — that I enjoyed. I’ve even gone on the odd road trip (once to Key West, and that was a fantastic time, too).
Strange and wonderful.
But my natural habitat is privacy and quiet, because (and this comes back to the underlying mechanics) I generally assume the amount of enjoyment that other people and I can get, total, is not worth the ensuing drain on our time. I’m not really “for” most people. I spent most of my life confirming that hypothesis.
And besides — talking to me isn’t “for” most people, but my writing is apparently a little bit broader in appeal, so — I figure it’s time better spent working. ^_^ There are exceptions, of course — but they’re few and far between, and even then, I usually consider myself lucky if I feel like it was even exchange — that is, if I don’t feel drained overall, but got something out of the discussion with them as well.
I suppose I can say that I love humanity, but we kinda broke up, and it was a mostly mutual thing, and we see each other at work and sometimes it’s awkward — but that’s about it. ^_^
That last sentence… you are such a good writer. Clearly the work time is paying off! I do think sometimes it can take a while for creative people to find their own, if that makes sense. You do sound like a classic introvert who needs solitude to renew their energy. But I bet you’re “for” people, but you haven’t been around enough of the right kind of people? Because… you just seem really awesome.
While I haven’t taken any test (I don’t even know the one you’re referring to), I know I’m an introvert. I think I have been ever since a bad experience in my first year at school when I was five. It hasn’t gotten any better in the past 45 years. In fact, I think it has gotten worse. I can count the non-family non-internet friends on one hand with fingers left over. Even if I had a social life, I’d be sitting there listening but not participating. Surgery aside, I barely leave the house, as it is. Talking to people via any method is painful and even doing this post is a struggle because it’s putting me ‘out there’.
Hi, KC! Myers-Briggs has been a big thing in the corporation I work at… Not sure if I would’ve heard of it/taken it otherwise. You’re such a warm, intelligent and articulate person that I think more people should get the chance to be IRL friends with you… if I lived in the same city as you I’d always be calling you to see if we could meet up at a cafe for a talking & writing sesh. 🙂
PS Based on your picture I thought you were about 30, so this comment made me do a double take, haha.
-blush- Thank you, Bryn. I would love to meet up with you if we were nearby. I seem to accumulate extroverts around me but it hasn’t helped me lol. I have two friends (one of 30 years friendship and one roughly 28 years of friendship) who are extroverts and I’m still shy around them most of the time even now.
Lol, thank you again. Good genetics because I don’t do anything special to keep my youthful looks. Admittedly, I’m 44 in that picture but I haven’t changed in the past six years.
I’m more introvert than extrovert if I don’t know the people around me. If I’m with friends or colleagues, then it’s a different story. 🙂
Ah that surprises me, because you have so much practice dealing with fans at conventions! I would’ve thought being famous would’ve made you extroverted with strangers 🙂
I guess I look at that as a different thing. For me, that’s more of a “work” situation than a social occasion, so I’ve got my “game face” on. Plus, there usually are people I know around me, anyway. Kevin, for one, and/or other writers, or people I/we run into each time we do a particular convention, etc. 🙂
Hi, Bryn–I really enjoy your emails. I test INFP, and feel it fits. I am a nurse practitioner working in women’s health, so I have to be extroverted at work pretty much non-stop. I enjoy social gatherings, but much prefer them to be with folks I know fairly well, but I do enjoy a sit-down chat with someone new. I consider myself introverted primarily because that is my power source–how I recharge and push through those needed extroverted times. I can relate to much of what you shared, and wanted to write you, but I have to admit that even “this” is me pushing myself to do it. Much more comfortable reading, appreciating it, but not reaching out. So, this post helped me do that. Thanks!
Suzanne, thank you for the kind words! I can imagine that your line of work would be draining for an introvert, and that you’d need to re-charge. (Such great work, though — it must be satisfying, too.) I really appreciate your commenting! And if you’d rather sit back and read, I appreciate that, too!
After reading your post I went and found a place online that does that test for free. (At least it says it’s that test) I came out as INFP, and how it described that personality type seemed to fit me. I’ve definitely always been an introvert, sometimes wished otherwise, and find it very interesting that you changed from one to the other. Didn’t know you could do that 🙂
Hi, there! Yeah, I didn’t know it could change, either. 🙂 I think those personality typing tests are fun… sometimes they help you get another perspective on yourself. I don’t think INFP is a very common type, but I have several friends who are INFPs!
INTP here – In general S is more common and N less so. INTP is 3.3% , INFJ least common 1.5%. I prefer public speaking because I can preplan what I say. I am anxious around people in one on one and become a babble mouth of tried and true anecdotes to hide the real me.
I can be social for short bursts – a party, a convention – but I am drained afterwards and want to retreat from the world.
I have a shirt I love “You read my shirt, that is enough social interaction for one day”.