Last week, Mr. Donovan and I were on a shuttle at the Kansas City airport, heading back to the parking lot where we had left our car after an amazing vacation. Soon after we sat down, the man sitting across from us on the bus began yelling that the driver had skipped his terminal.
The driver apologized and said he would get him back there as soon as possible. (With the configuration of the airport parking lots and roads, he couldn’t just do a U-turn.) The man called someone and cursed loudly about his bad luck, then hung up and cursed some more. His body language suggested that he might jump out of his seat and assault the driver, who made repeated apologies and was visibly frightened.
[AdSense-B]
Sitting across from him, I planned what I would do if the situation escalated. I would ask him where he was going and empathize with his problem. Although he was completely out of line and I was pretty angry at him for scaring the driver and other passengers, I thought some understanding and acknowledgement of his frustration might help calm him down.
Who knows if it would have worked or not. The driver let him off at a stop, telling him another bus was coming to take him back to his terminal, and the guy got off, still cursing.
I learned a few days later that there was principle of behavioral science in what I was planning to do. It’s called non-complementary behavior.
The idea is that humans mirror each other in our interactions most of the time. If you’re friendly to me, I’m friendly back. If you’re grouchy, I’m grouchy.
And if you’re antagonistic toward me, and I’m kind in return, it may be difficult for you to continue being antagonistic, because you’re wired to mirror my behavior. This reminds me of Proverbs 15:1 in the Bible: “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”
Here’s how I heard about non-complementary behavior. On a writing project at work, my boss’s boss shared this remarkable video, which tells a true story about a woman who defuses an armed robbery by offering a gunman a glass of wine.
This is apparently part of an episode, “Flipping the Script,” of a free podcast called Invisibilia. Confession: I’ve never listened to a podcast in my life! I’m going to check this one out, though.
I think that expression “flipping the script” is really apt here, too. Then gunman had already written out this scene in his head: he points his gun at people, and they either give him cash or he starts shooting them. When people didn’t behave according to his mental script, it threw him off of his scripted lines and actions as well. His narrative was interrupted.
This idea of non-complementary behavior doesn’t just apply to armed robbers, or even to hostile men on airport shuttles. If someone is just cranky, for instance, I can choose to meet that with something other than crankiness.
It’s really difficult to do this! It’s human nature to point out that it’s not fair that the other person is being less than pleasant. The urge to retaliate is strong — never mind the fact that “They started it!” is a justification not worthy of anyone over the age of twelve.
It’s a great thing if you can stop negativity from spreading to you, which then stops you from spreading it to other people. And having a specific name for it — non-complementary behavior — might help me put it into principle more often.
Have you ever defused a negative situation in this way? Or does it sound like something you’d like to try? Let me know in the comments! Thanks for reading, and have a great week!
Bryn, this is amazingly good advice! There’s a phrase, ‘kill ’em with kindness’. I’ve seen it in action and it is like watching a balloon deflate. An angry, yelling balloon. ? It can be quite difficult, because sometimes it’s just so easy to meet a grumpy person with more grumpiness; it’s so easy to just fight back, to argue and yell at that grumpy person. But if one has the peace of mind to think a second, and meet that person with empathy and reason, more often than not, the situation deflates. I wish more people would put this into practice!
Yes, you nailed it on the head, Allison…
I learned this mode of communicating in early childhood… diffusing my anger, yelling
father. Being raised in a preachy, religious family, I heard the Bible verse from Prov.,
“A soft answer turnth away wrath,” over an over, but I had to be the “peace maker” always. I’ve used this diffusing method in the work force in the past. Retail brings out a lot of frustration for most of us at one point or another, so how much better to have someone take charge and VALIDATE the distraught person. I’ve also been on the receiving end.
I’ve often thought I would’ve been good as a “Negotiator” in police work, a skill they
must have to be any good.
One last thought, it can be tricky not to come across as condescending to some…
I am loving the imagery of the angry deflating balloon, Allison! Thanks for commenting, and for the kind words 🙂
I wonder if this would work with kids.
I don’t know, Jeanne! I’m not around them much… but I feel like it might.
Yesss. When I worked in retail and at a cable company call center, I had to deal with lots of people who were totally outraged about one thing or another. I found that if I listened to them and then replied with some empathy along with the promise that I would help them solve the problem they were having, they would calm down and be more reasonable and cooperative.
Sometimes, though, the upset person doesn’t want to be calmed down, and perceives any kindness as a threat or insult. If it’s that bad, it’s usually time to call the cops, anyway.
Call centers are a tough gig! That probably took a lot of patience on your part, Paige. Maybe sometimes people just want to feel heard…
Ms. Donovan, In Japan there is a phrase “Take Nami Do” meaning “Bamboo Wave Way”. It points to the way bamboo flexes and bends when the force of big waves hit them. It is an essential concept in martial arts, self defense, personal relationships and business. Taking time to understand conditioning the, physiology and psychology of conflict is time well spent. With understanding (and practice) we can learn to respond rather than react.
Hi Mark! I love the sound of that, both in Japanese and English, and it’s such a great concept. Thank you so much! I’m going to think about that.
I didn’t know there was a term for this, but I saw my mother use it. She was a personnel manager who often negotiated with her factory union. My senior year of high school, I had a serious confrontation with a teacher. My mother knew the circumstances when the teacher phoned our house. The teacher was screaming so loudly that I could hear her across the room. Instead of standing up for me, my mother began complimenting the teacher, telling her how much I had learned from her that year, etc. Before long, the teacher was telling my mother what a great future I had ahead of me and that she knew I’d do well in college. When she got off the phone, I asked my mother why she didn’t make my case. She said, “You can’t reason with someone who is that angry.”
I’ve remembered that. I remained quiet the two times I was yelled at by a boss and the time a protester yelled at me. If you stand silent while someone else rants, they usually begin to feel embarrassed at their own behavior and shut up.
Hi Alarie! “You can’t reason with someone who is that angry…” Your mother was a wise woman.
I’m a little mad that you’ve been yelled at by a boss twice! It sounds like you handled it very well. No surprise there.
Thanks so much for commenting 🙂
This is great!! My husband is very good at diffusing negative situations (except when it involves his vehicle). Like yourself, I thought of the bible’s counsel regarding this. Another couple of verses that came to mind are Romans 12:20, 21. Thanks for the post.
Hi Laurie! Oh yes, that’s a good one to reference, too. How great that you’re married to a peacekeeper. Mr. Donovan is one by nature. I’m still learning. 🙂
Hey,
That is a nice article!
I have been using this technique quite often in the last years. I called it the confusing technique. Because I realised, that I can give a situation a completely new setting by confusing the old setting away.
Once I worked as a barkeeper. One night a very drunk guy tried to start a fight. Lots of the guys in the pub tried to force him to stop. The pub was loud and full of tension and movement. For a moment I could feel what he felt: all he saw was red and full of turmoil and aggression. It wasn’t a thought, it was more an instinct, that made me go to this violent guy and – hug him. I could feel his muscle tension melting. I held him for a moment. After that he was quite calm, said “thank you” and it gave an excuse to the people in the pub “I´m sorry. I think I drank too much. I better go home now.” And that he did. It worked.
Another time in a Berlin club at night a guy made big trouble and wanted to fight. I managed to stand beside him and I started flirting with him (although he was not my kind of guy). I said: “I think you are quite sexy when you smile” in a soft and flirty voice and smiled at him. This got him out of his aggression. He started talking to me and forgot to shout at the other guy. After a while he realised what had happened.”Who are you? Are you the dolly who takes care of everthing?” ” I said yes – it was a pleasure” and went away. He was off his aggression. But what made me wonder was, that the other guy was angry with me then, because he wanted to fight with the first guy.
The first time I did stuff like that was when a homeless got in my way, asking me for money, constantly blocking the way down to the metro station. I tried a few times to pass, but he would not let me. I suddenly had this crazy idea and tried it: I played crazy. Shouting, itching, scratching, moving like a monkey, doing crazy laughter and strange voices. This paralysed the guy. So I could pass and had good fun. I could hear him behind me saying to his fellows:”Good heavens-what was that?!”
Doing things that are not “normal” in unwanted to situations often helped me to get back control and write a new story instead of reacting to somebody else’s story and maybe become a vitim..
Greetings from Berlin.
Hi Bryn,
an eye-opener. As a father of 4, of whom 3 in co-parenting, our family has its fair share of discussions and ad-hoc decisions to be dealt with. Anger and frustration go hand in hand when the co-parenting has another of its hick-ups.
Mirroring the frustration and anger is my personal pitfall. I will be thinking of you so hard next time!
I really want to try this when another negative situation comes around and tell the kids: DO try this a home!
And yes, I will keep you posted!
Hi Hans! I was serious when I said it is so hard to do… it is for me, anyway! But maybe it’s like everything else, and it gets easier with practice! I don’t know any parents who don’t deal with anger and frustration at times, and co-parenting just adds another layer of complexity. I’m so glad you liked this, and I wish you luck… and I’d love to hear how it goes!
Our societal norms also make it hard to respond with non-complementary behavior. We’re so individualistic in this country that most people have a hard time empathizing with others, even though we’re all in this together. I actually prefer more communal societies like those in Scandinavian and some Asian countries.
Ah, that’s so interesting, Derek. I never thought about it going against U.S. cultural norms.
Just a thought. I’m no sociologist, just someone who pays attention and has opinions.
Oh my goodness Bryn!! Thanks for writing this blog topic. I too have been thinking about NCB (non complementary behavior) since I heard that radio show in 2016. Did you ever hear the rest of the episode though?
https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/485603559/flip-the-script
Specifically the next story on the Somali boys leaving Denmark for the Syrian warzone? That one brings me to tears over and over again. So many lessons. The Danish police man who asks “why are you being so hostile?” Self examination – is there something I’m doing that’s making the situation worse. Listening to the angry & frightened parents of the boys, and the decision to invite returning “Syrian volunteers” to coffee and ultimately believe their version of unwitnessed events and welcome them back with support and a mentor to make them more a part of Danish society than ever!
I’m reminded of Jesus words from Matthew 5
““You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”
Matthew 5:43-45 NASB
https://www.bible.com/100/mat.5.43-45.nasb
And then I started looking for other examples of this precept (Proverbs 15:1) in action. You simply must read 16 riveting verses in the Tanakh/Old Testament book of 2 Kings starting in verse 8. Spoiler: Elisha (the man of God) captures the king of Aram’s army and treats them to something undeserved and unexpected and things shift (for a time).
… and of course there’s Les Miserables (the musical & book? I guess) the Bishop sets off a chain reaction of love in Val Jean after he refuses to press charges against him for stealing silver and gives him additional silver candlesticks to help rekindle his heart fire if you will. The candlesticks themselves evocative of the light that should guide his feet – “Your word [scripture & precepts] is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
Psalms 119:105 NASB
https://www.bible.com/100/psa.119.105.nasb
And Javert can’t handle the love & grace coming from Val Jean. He can’t reconcile it to his narrative where people can’t change. Sadly his mindset is fixed and he self-destructs – because of pride. It seems humility is needed for NCB.
LOL!! Whoops!! What chapter in 2 Kings, you say? Yes! Shoulda been: “You simply must read 16 riveting verses in the Tanakh/Old Testament book of 2 Kings chapter 6 starting in verse 8”