You probably heard about this last week: a Dani Mathers, a Playboy model, was at a public gym. She posted a public picture on Snapchat of a naked woman she did not know in the locker room, along with a picture of herself laughing. She captioned it, “If I can’t unsee this you can’t either.” This would have been reprehensible even if the lady had scales covering her body, but weirdly, the lady was just a regular-looking lady, so I don’t even know what Mathers was thinking.
Appropriately, Ms. Mathers was suspended from her job and banned from all L.A. Fitness gyms, who had this to say:
Her behavior is appalling and puts every member at risk of losing their privacy…Our written rules are very clear: Cellphone usage and photography are prohibited in the locker rooms. This is not only our rule, but common decency.
Ms. Mathers issued an apology. While she rightly acknowledged that “body shaming is wrong,” she also said, “this is not the type of person I am.”
It’s very possible that after much reflection, Ms. Mathers will wind up changing for the better as a result of this debacle. I hope so!
But to change, you have to realize that you are, in fact, the kind of person who says or does that crappy thing… because, after all, you did it. There may be a lot of nice things about you, but this stinky, sticky pond of god-knows-what is a part of your soulscape, too.
You have to first recognize that you are the jerk.
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I’m sure that I haven’t always been honest with myself. I can remember one time when I was, though! In a Facebook group, I was piling on someone for an unpopular point of view. I felt like I was standing up for my principles!
And then, an hour later, I realized that actually, I had been a self-righteous jerk. I sent a direct message to the two people I had argued with, and I hope I made an acceptable apology. Acceptable or not, both of them forgave me, because they are wonderful, and one of them reads my blog sometimes and I hope to meet up with her someday (hi Michele!)
We’re all going to screw up. We have problems, bad days, and years of weird psychological baggage. When I mess up, I hope I can always recognize it.
Let me tell you my personal locker room story. I was getting dressed after working out at the gym, and a woman was complaining to her friend about her neighbor who was taking a long time to complete the job of adding a room to their house. I was smiling to myself, because when I was a kid, my parents took years to complete an addition, mainly because the labor was all done by my parents, my grandpa, and a few guys from church, and because my parents would run out of money and save up for the next part of the job.
So I figured the complaining lady was kind of a snob. But then she said to her friend in a lower tone, “Well, they’re black, and you know how they are…”
Now one thing about me is that if you say something bigoted in my vicinity, I will always, always speak up. I won’t always do a good job of it, and that won’t stop me.
Her friend left the locker room, I finished getting dressed, and then I told this woman in a clumsy way that I had overheard her conversation and it really upset me. She said, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and I said, “Well I’m sorry you’re a racist!”, because that’s the way to change hearts and minds.
She and I we were in the locker room at the same time for weeks afterward. We didn’t speak. I would imagine ice forming on the lockers and benches between us. At the same time, I knew I could have appealed to her better nature instead of just being ragey.
One day she came up to me in the locker room and said, “I wanted to talk to you about what you said.” I immediately blurted out, “I could’ve handled that better—“ and she said, “No, let me get this out. You made me realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I’m doing that.”
See that? She didn’t say, “That’s not who I am.” She basically said, That is exactly who I am, and it needs to change.
While I don’t think I would ever say something blatantly racist, or make fun of somebody’s body, I know I have my faults. I’m sure I’m so ignorant about some things that I don’t even know about my own ignorance. So I just hope I can always recognize when yes, in fact, I am the jerk.
Hi racists really bother me too. But here in Austin, TX it is something I have to work on – a lot. You see at times a lot if people come here from Mexico. I swear they fit at least 10 people in the car, cut in and out of traffic, cause lots of car accidents. Then you go to the store. Sometimes you can barely move because so many of those carloads went there also. I have to tell myself “Be patient, this too shall pass”.
I have to remind myself that I do not live in or go to Mexico. Because it really doesn’t seem that desirable a place unless you go way south. Anyway if I lived there and I had a chance I am pretty sure I would come here also. Patience Pat, it IS a virtue! This is something more people need, especially around here.
Hi Pat! I think it’s so good to be aware of one’s snap judgements… it’s the first step in getting over them. 🙂 I know that I have gotten over some of my own! You are so right… patience is a virtue that a lot of people could use more of (me included!)
Hi, Any kind of discrimination is highly condemable, but what is more prevailing in India is castism that sometimes triggers violent clashes between communities.
Hi Sunil! I have only read a little about castism, and it is hard for me to understand (but then, so is all discrimination…) I hope that things are changing regarding castism. It seems so terrible to limit people in that way.
Thank you for your candid reveal. Your piece spoke to me, for sure, because I try really hard to be aware of when I’m caring too much what other people think and working hard to make sure they think the best of me. One of my incidents happened when I hosted a book club/luncheon meeting at my house. We had only met once before, so none of these ladies were friends yet, which probably made it worse – a friend would have told me to not try so hard. But I did try – I made everything from scratch and worried that it would be great, and when I put it out for the five or six of them to come fill their plates, I said, “It’s all homemade, you can be sure of that!” No one commented on my stupid statement, and I realized in the silence that in fact we had met, as I said, at one other person’s home and she had served quiches – two of them, and I’m sure they were supermarket quiches, and honestly very good. I was being a jerk. Who cares whether you make everything “homemade?” How did that make the other hostess of book club feel? When I think about it, I still feel ashamed of myself. No matter how many times I have defended someone (President Obama comes to mind – the jokes that I heard about him made me seethe, and all I could say is that I didn’t appreciate them, thank you) or defended a race or an ethnicity or sexual orientation, I lost a point on this one. Sometimes being a jerk is just an off-hand comment you wish you hadn’t said in your rush to impress or be accepted and liked. It could mean we haven’t let go of basing too much of our self confidence upon what we imagine others think of us. I hope your locker room person really is “working on herself,” and I commend you for your part in her growth.
p.s. my blog is Pat Ponders Life, and I’m going to include the lessons learned from this post, if you are okay with that. I will give you and your blog full credit.
Pat, my apologies for the late reply, first of all… this computer is acting up, and I am getting a new one. 🙂 I really appreciate you sharing that story, and only a sensitive person would remember it the way you are remembering it. I could totally imagine myself doing the same thing… and oh wow, I thought this was so insightful:
“Sometimes being a jerk is just an off-hand comment you wish you hadn’t said in your rush to impress or be accepted and liked. It could mean we haven’t let go of basing too much of our self confidence upon what we imagine others think of us.”
Just spot on.
Absolutely, I’d be flattered to get a shoutout on your blog. Thank you!
I love this post. It is so honest and something that I could relate to on many levels.
On the flip-side, I have a short story about a time when it paid me to be patient with someone who was being a jerk and they acknowledged it without me pointing it out.
Years ago I was working as a computer operator for a school district and one of the administrators there kept having problems with her computer. Every time I went to help her she was impatient and rude. About the fifth or sixth call I got over that three day period I was about ready to loose it but I told myself to be patient. This is what she said, “I don’t have any problem with my computer right now but I wanted to apologize for being so rude to you lately. This is not an excuse and I can’t talk about it, but I want you to know that I haven’t been myself since my six-year-old grandson died of cancer three weeks ago.” I graciously accepted her apology and reassured her that I would respect her privacy. Then I went back to my office and cried. I was so thankful that I had been patient with her rudeness.
Marilyn, I totally agree that a lot of times it’s not even worth it to point out when someone is being a jerk 🙂 That is such a good example of someone becoming aware of what they’re doing and owning up to it. I hope I can always recognize that myself!
I like that about you! Thanks for your post today.
Hey, thanks for reading, Su! 🙂
Haha oh snap- I had completely forgotten about that! Always plenty of that going around in most of *those* particular groups (which is why I dropped out of the main ones, especially). It’s too easy to get swept up with other people’s righteous outrage and think “I have a hot take on this as well!” and before you know it, 20 people have shouted down one person before they’ve even had a chance to respond to the initial “correction”. The fact that you even remember one instance is admirable considering I probably couldn’t even pick out a single one of the many, many times I myself fell prey to that. My anger management issues have gotten a LOT better, but for the most part my Give-A-Fuck remains broken so I try to just stay out of groups, posts, and situations where I know I won’t be able to help myself. It’s a process. I’ve gotten so much better at just hiding posts I know are going to turn into a shitstorm, realizing that when someone posts something inflammatory they are expecting anything from a debate to a fight, so I have to tell myself they want to engage in it and I don’t. But still, God help anyone who goes after a family member or close friend of mine. I go from reasonable discourse to I Will Eviscerate You and Destroy Everything You Love in .5 seconds. Like I said- working on it.
P.S. That woman’s apology was buuuuuullshit. “I meant to send it to a friend.” UM OKAY, SO YOU ARE TERRIBLE AT BEING A HUMAN AND ALSO AT SNAPCHAT?? That is your defense?? Ugh. It’s horrible enough when “normal” people body-shame, but you are an effing Playboy model and you are STILL so insecure you need to be cruel about average bodies? Usually people like that feel deep down (sometimes correctly) that their according-to-society above-average looks are all they have going for them, so that privilege must be carefully guarded, no matter who gets thrown under the bus to do so. Fucking textbook Mean Girl/cheerleader out of a high school movie – except a GROWN WOMAN. So gross.