A while back in one of my writing groups, someone was asking for advice. She had pitched a story idea to an editor at a website and, after a few weeks, had not heard back. (I know, so weird, right? Ha ha.) When she sent a polite note of inquiry, the editor said she had been busy but would respond soon. A few more weeks passed. The writer asked us, “Is it okay to ask her again? I don’t want to be the person who can’t take a hint when someone’s just not interested.”
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To me, this fear was totally misplaced. With submissions, it’s the writer’s job to submit her best work, and it’s the editor’s job to say yes or no. I told her, “If you still want to do the story, then ask again. It’s not your job to say no to yourself.”
A similar issue came up in another group. (Yes, I spend my life in secret Facebook groups. It’s a valid life choice! Actually, it’s out of hand and I’m going to make some changes.) A woman wanted to apply to a great position in another department in her company. She had the exact qualifications for the job. She was thinking that maybe she would set up lunch or coffee with the manager of the other department to discuss it… and she would tell her that she understood if she wasn’t a good fit for some reason.
Naturally, I and the other women in the group chimed in immediately: No, no, no. Don’t tell her you might not be a good fit. Tell her you are! I said the same thing again. “It’s not your job to say no to yourself.”
Now, there are some cases when it doesn’t make sense to pursue a definitive answer. If you’re pitching a new business idea to potential partners, you may want either a “hell yes!” or nothing. A lukewarm “okay” might mean that you would be constantly re-selling the whole concept, which would be too much stress on top of getting the thing off the ground.
When it comes to dating and romance, I believe that only a “hell yes” is worth acting on, for the same reasons. I don’t want a relationship where I have to keep selling you on the key benefits of me.
In almost every situation, I believe in taking no for an answer. That’s just respectful. But we shouldn’t say no to ourselves.
Why are we so eager to do that? I guess we think there is nothing more humiliating than valuing ourselves or our work more than someone else does. We think we deserve something, someone else doesn’t, and there it is, right in the open for everyone to see.
I’m not sure why that should be so shameful, though. Judgments of talent and worth are very subjective, and why wouldn’t we be biased in favor of us? Besides, we know ourselves better than everyone else. It could be that we know something they don’t.
Believing in yourself can pay off. Here’s something I’ve witnessed firsthand at the workplace: a person pursues a promotion. He doesn’t get it. Other managers agree in private discussions that this person really didn’t have a chance.
But. The managers now know that he’s ambitious. He made some good points about his talents, too. The fact that he stepped up and applied makes everyone take him just a little more seriously… and it leads to another promotion or opportunity later.
At the very least, fear of rejection or failure should never keep us from applying, asking, submitting, or trying in the first place. There are enough gatekeepers in life without us doing the job for them. Make them say no. But be prepared, because once in a while, they’re going to say yes.
Thanks for this, Bryn! I’m pretty good at telling myself no. When I start to do that again, I’ll remember this advice. 🙂
Thanks for reading, PJ! And nooo, don’t say no to yourself, because you are awesome. 🙂
Great advice! Especially since I’m hunting for a good job that won’t make me miserable. Heh.
It’s out there! You can do it!
Thank you. I am going to try the query process. I will never know if I don’t try.
Yay Erika! It’s true — you never know.
I can’t like this enough. Just had a conversation (AKA pep talk) with myself a week ago on the same topic! :>
Ha ha! We are on the same wavelength Stephanie!
Another Great post Bryn! 🙂
Like PJ, I ‘was’ good at telling myself no. Then I decided to be a ghostwriter and found a freelancer website. I learned quickly and early in the process to always promote myself as if I were the only Great choice the client had. In 4 years I’ve built up a decent reputation and wish I could say that I’m now in high demand, but that wouldn’t be true. However, from time to time I do get clients wanting me to work for them. I try to accommodate them when I can (which is most of the time), though sometimes I’m just too busy with work for other clients. All that said, I wish I could say I make a living from this, but that isn’t the case and will likely never happen – unless I keep myself literally chained to the computer. There’s too much ‘real life’ going on for that to happen. 🙂
Someday I’ll have enough time to write a bunch of stories for myself and self publish them on Amazon.
Robin, I love your story. I can imagine how starting a business like that would make you more assertive. Congratulations on your success — that is great to hear! And I hope you do have time for your stories and for “real life,” too. 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! I love this post. It is true no one knows you or what you can do. We can’t be defined by the silences or rejections we get on the way to greatness : ) This was a good thing to read first thing in the morning.
PS — You write so nicely. Great style.
Ephrat, I really appreciate the positive feedback! You’re too kind. “We can’t be defined by the silences or rejections we get on the way to greatness” — exactly!
I remember when I was going through my divorce and found myself the single mom of two young children. Suddenly the job I loved wasn’t enough to support us. So I wrote a letter to my supervisor and the head of Human Resources detailing why I was worth more than I was earning. It was scary as hell, but you know what? I ended up with a bigger raise than I had hoped for and felt my true value was appreciated. It was a huge moral boost for me at a difficult time in my life – and taught me that we can’t be afraid to ask for what we want. One of the benefits of NOT saying no to ourselves, is that it gives us a boost of confidence, especially if something good happens as a result of allowing for a yes. And if the answer is NO, then at least we know where we stand and can take appropriate action.
Ahh Michelle, this story brought tears to my eyes. That was a really brave thing to do, and I love it that you got the results you deserved. That is such a good point about the boost of confidence… and knowing where you stand, either way. Thank you for sharing this. 🙂
I think many, if not most, women are still conditioned to ask if it’s okay to be who they are and get what they want. It’s our training as “nurturers,” even in this day and age. I suspect it’s different for the generation becoming adults right now, but even us Gen-Xers have a tendency to want to avoid conflict and not rock the boat. We learned the tools from our Boomer moms on how to move away from that, but I think it’s taken another generation to really do it.
I tend to be an assertive person, but even I struggle with just moving toward what I want without asking if it’s okay first.
Heather! It is so interesting that you bring this up, because I was asking myself whether gender played into it… I chose a photo of a woman to illustrate the post because I kind of thought that it did. I’m thinking about it more now, and I do think women are conditioned to ask less, and everyone is conditioned to think it’s more presumptuous when a woman asks for something. My mom encouraged me to try things, speak up, and take risks, though, and I really appreciate that.
Thanks for the insightful comment!
I honestly found your post insightful. When it comes to writing and getting myself out there, I’m constantly fighting with myself about my abilities and story ideas. To the point that I’m terrified to get my work out there, not even sure how to get my novels out there and noticed. I try to be realistic with myself about rejection, but its hard. But what you said about not saying no to yourself. I realized that’s what I’m doing . Thank you for your post, because while I will have doubts about my novels and my ability as a writer. I need to stop saying no to myself without giving myself a chance.
So fun to reconnect with you…and your web world! I’ll visit again soon.
Barbara! I thought I replied to you here and I didn’t, sorry!! It was so good to see you the other day (how do you always look so great?!) Looking forward to seeing your blog!
I know this post is 2 years old but I have a question about rejection: My romantic novel is about choosing between 2 brothers, which I realize is a theme that’s been done before. Many of the rejections mentioned the story not being “new” ‘different” or “unique” enough…yet all I see over and over from those same publishers are “billionaire bad boys” – I believe in my book- but sometimes I consider re-working it to fit some “out there” plot or theme just to get noticed…
Hi, Sue! Well, publishers usually acquire things a couple of years in advance, so that’s why their new releases aren’t always the same as what they’re acquiring. Without knowing your story, I really can’t say whether it should be re-worked or not (and I’m no expert on billionaire bad-boy stories, either.) Maybe keep sending it out, but also keep an open mind and then see if something comes to you! Good luck!