Here was my idea for a fun blog post: I would avoid saying anything that was at all negative for 30 days and report what I had learned.
After dozens of attempts, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never write that blog post, so I’m writing this one instead.
I wanted to try this experiment for a few reasons:
To avoid complaining.
I had read about how complaining is terrible for you. It didn’t surprise me at all, because I was already familiar with the concept “synapses that fire together wire together.”
To improve my relationships, at home and at work.
This doesn’t mean never making a suggestion or request. But there are good ways of doing that:
“Honey, I think it would be great if we could keep the car clean. Will you help me?”
“We’re doing great work on this project! I think there’s an opportunity to streamline the process.”
And there are bad ways:
“Oh my God, I have asked you a hundred times not to leave old newspapers and clothing and trash in the back seat!”
“That meeting was a total waste of time.”
To avoid bringing other people down.
When you’re negative, it’s contagious. And when you’re happy, that’s often contagious, too.
~
I figured out some ground rules immediately, such as:
Sympathizing does not count as saying something negative.
If someone said, “I lost my job,” I wouldn’t say, “Hey great, you can sleep in now!” No, it was fine to say things like, “Oh no, that’s awful! I’m sorry.” It can be all right to say something positive when someone is sharing bad news (like, “You are so talented and smart, I’m sure you’ll find something even better”) but you need to sympathize first.
Stating negative facts is not negative talk, if the facts need to be said.
For instance, “The house is on fire and you need to wake up and get outside”? Not negative.
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Okay, so great idea, right? And I’m a pretty positive person to begin with. How hard could it be?
Hahahaha.
When I first started trying to do this, I didn’t get through the hour. Then for a long time, I couldn’t make it to lunch. My all-time best record was three days.
You know what? I still learned a few things, and here they are.
I still say mean things about myself all the time.
I think I’ve gotten way better about this over the past couple of years, but I was still blurting out negative things about myself with some frequency.
“I forgot my phone. I’m such an idiot.”
“I know I’m behind on the laundry. I suck.”
“Look at my new planner stickers! They’re shiny! — Sorry, I’m a dork.”
Mr. Donovan is good at calling me on this: “No, you’re not an idiot.”
I think it’s important to avoid putting yourself down, because how is a person supposed to be her best and do her best when she’s getting insulted all of the time? I’m going to keep working on it!
If I can’t say anything negative about current events, it makes me take action.
On Facebook, I wouldn’t let myself say, “This is a terrible idea for a law,” or “My thoughts are with the victims of this natural disaster.” But I could email my lawmakers and share their emails on Facebook, or make a donation and share a link on Facebook for others who wanted to do the same. (If I hadn’t been able to donate, I would have just shared the donation link.)
I think sometimes when we express anger or sadness on social media, it makes us feel like we are part of the solution when we aren’t helping at all. Lawmakers are not, with a few exceptions, Facebook friends with me, and none of them follow me on Twitter. Victims of natural disasters need dollars more than sympathy.
I sometimes use complaining as a way to make small talk.
And so does everybody else! People say, “I’m not ready for Monday,” and “Ugh, it’s raining again.” That’s fine and all, but I’m a creative person, so I should be able to casually interact with people without bitching.
I can’t be too hard on myself for not being able to avoid negative speech for 30 days. I’m only human. But overall, it’s really helpful for me to be aware of when I’m saying something negative. The things I say are part of the way I write my life story in real time, and they affect the quality of the story itself.
Have you ever tried anything like this? Or if you’re a naturally positive person, share your secrets! Thanks for reading, and have a great week!
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Hi Bryn!
I have done this before with negative self-talk. I challenged myself not to say anything negative about myself for two weeks and then rewarded myself with a new pair of pliers ( I make jewelry for fun). I also tried to give it up for Lent this year, but the spin I put on it was to say something positive about myself every day. It was an interesting experiment, and while I don’t think it put an end to my negative self talk it did help.
Ahh that is great Kimberly! I do try to say positive things about myself. I think it makes a difference!
How cool that you make jewelry! I never would have thought of a pair of pliers as a reward, but for you that makes total sense 🙂
Super post! I have been active on twitter for almost a year now. From the start, I decided to be positive and encouraging. No snarky comebacks, no blistering repartee. With tweeting, I have time to monitor & filter my comments, so I have stayed positive. I realized that my attitude was rubbing off into my regular life- I was now being more positive everywhere! I commented on this effect on Twitter, and an English friend replied, “Bugger, isn’t it!”.
Jena, you do have a really positive Twitter account! It’s such a good policy. It’s very easy to feel clever and sassy on social media, only to regret your words, I’ve found.
“Bugger, isn’t it” — haha that made me laugh!
Wait. Being a dork is negative? Oh sh&*.
HA!
You know what you could try? Go around saying positive things all the time. Then you’ll never have time to say negative things. 😀
I do try to! But apparently those other things elbow their way in 🙂 Thanks for reading, Eric 🙂
If not for negative words, there would be no stand-up comedy. I think saying negative things can be both cathartic and entertaining. Not all complaining is equal, though. Whining can be annoying. But venting, on the other hand, can be downright inspiring. I love listening to other people vent, and I love venting myself. It sure beats keeping things bottled up. Also, sometimes just saying the negative thing out loud brings to light how preposterous it is to worry about. It takes the power away from whatever is driving the negative feeling.
Bryn, I used to struggle with this all of the time, and then I learned the secret…I simply redefined what I meant by the word “negative”. Now I know that I have only said something negative if it causes the other person to turn purple, have a stroke and keel over – and this almost never happens. The secret is to make the standard so ridiculously low that every word that you utter is, by comparison, liquid caramel in the ears of the hearer.
FYI – This might be slightly off topic, but I have found that redefining the terms works well in other situations as well. For instance; “Yes dear, I will take out the trash,” “The check is in the mail,” and “Sweetheart, I can do this all night.”
Michael, this whole comment made me laugh so hard! Oh my goodness. I love it. 😀
I know what you mean about using complaining as small talk. I used to do that back when I worked in an office — I would say hello to my coworkers, and make conversation by complaining about the weather, the traffic, the annoying person who cut me off while I was driving, etc. Looking back, I realize that “complaining as small talk” actually caused me to look for things to complain about each day. It became a mindset. I’m now inspired to try your experiment of saying only positive things for a month. I’m sure I won’t be able to do it perfectly either — but who says you have to be perfect for the experiment to be a success? Thanks for a great post!
Yeah, falling back on complaining as small talk is particularly easy for me because I’m not all that great at small talk! But anybody can get better at anything with effort, right? 🙂 I hope you enjoy trying it out, Tamara! And you’re absolutely right — you don’t have to do something perfectly in order for an experiment to be a success. Thanks for commenting!
Ohmygoodness. What an amazing idea. I try to be uplifting as much as possible. Except on my “ME” blog. There I whine and complain and am frustrated with life. It is more of an public journal I am sure no one reads, but it makes me think about how I whine because I am writing it. BUT BUT BUT, the do not be negative about yourself? I am always telling people I am sorry for being a screw up or I’m sorry for not doing things or how fat I am or some other negative comment. Other people??? I toss confetti and cheer and love on them easy. Me? Not so much. I’m gonna do this. Can I say I’m scared!?!
“Other people??? I toss confetti and cheer and love on them easy. Me? Not so much.” Oh my gosh, right? I think so many of us do this! You should say nice things about yourself, Kris. You’re awesome!
That was a huge endeavor!
I think I’ll try to go one day without putting myself down.
I think that’s a great idea! It’s not easy, either, at least not for me 🙂