If you ask most people, they’ll say they are against bullying, but plenty of us who say that also engage in it. We don’t do it face to face, with people we know, but with strangers who have somehow caught the Internet’s attention and gone viral.
I’m not talking about people who are reviled for bigoted or cruel comments or behavior, although even in cases like this, I try to remember not to join in. Why? Because more than once, I’ve seen this exact thing happen:
- Someone on Tumblr or Facebook shares a screenshot of a person saying a horrible racist or cruel thing.
- The screenshot gets thousands of shares, and people begin to harass the individual directly, call her workplace to demand that she be fired, and so on.
- It turns out that the screenshot was Photoshopped or her account was hacked by a vengeful enemy or ex-boyfriend, and she never even said that. Her life has become a living hell, and her name is associated with some awful thing she never said in Google search history forever.
This is terrible to witness, and I never want to be a part of it.
Okay, but that’s not even what I’m talking about today. Often, the Internet takes notice of someone who isn’t even allegedly harming anybody at all.
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It might be a woman wearing a tacky outfit to WalMart, or a girl wearing an ill-advised prom dress. It could be a guy at a ball game with his cap on backwards, shading his eyes with his hand. In the last couple of days, it was a grandmother who had the gall to say she looked younger than she looks.
Things like this go viral because many of us, although we say otherwise, are bullies at heart who want to entertain ourselves by picking on the person with a weakness. We try to outdo each other, coming up with the funniest mean comment or the meanest funny comment.
But hey, they asked for it, right?
What was that woman thinking, wearing that to WalMart?
(Maybe her mom is dying and she’s picking up a prescription for a med that doesn’t even seem to be helping, and that was the only thing she had clean because she’s worn out from her two crappy part-time jobs plus care taking, so she was just like, The hell with it. Or wait, maybe she’s mentally ill! Wouldn’t that be hilarious?)
What’s wrong with teenagers today, that they think slutty prom dresses are acceptable?
(Gosh, I don’t know! It’s almost as if they feel overwhelming pressure to be sexually desirable, even though they’re just kids!)
Haha, look at that idiot shading his eyes even though his cap is on backwards!
(The rest of us never do thoughtless or awkward things.)
Oh my God, this grandma said she looked like she was a sister of her daughter and granddaughter! No she doesn’t, she looks old.
(Okay, I’m out of sarcasm. I never have a big supply. How in the world is this hurting you or anyone else? How is this worthy of a national public shaming?)
Here’s the thing. All of those people are real, actual people. This seems like an obvious point, but I do think we forget.
I hope that they are not prone to depression, or that they are people who, unlike their bullies, are too busy living their lives to spend much time on the Internet. Because, honestly? If a person was already fragile, being mocked by thousands of strangers might push them over the edge.
Internet bullying like this doesn’t only hurt its many unfortunate random targets. It’s dispiriting to those who see it, feeding their insecurities and making them fear that maybe they, too, are deserving of scorn.
It’s not even good for the bullies. All of us say stupid things and do stupid things, and most of us wear unfortunate outfits on occasion. Making fun of someone else might make us feel momentarily smarter, but it’s not going to last. In the end, mocking people is going to make us more miserable. (And I won’t even get into karma, though I’m sure you’ve heard it’s a bitch. You heard right.)
I’m writing this post for myself as much as anyone else. On a bad day, I might be tempted to behave in a way that’s not at all consistent with my values. And I’ve done it in the past. I’ve said mean things about random people who weren’t hurting anyone. I just never want to do it again.
The Internet seems like it’s always been with us, but it’s only been a part of most people’s lives for the last twenty years or so. It’s possible that we’re all still figuring out the best way to use it and absorbing the fact that people on the Internet are, well, people.
Social media does give me a lot of power to impact other people’s lives. I can leave positive comments not only for friends, but also acquaintances, or even some stranger on Twitter. What would happen if, every day, I focused on using that power for good?
Well said. It’s doubly frustrating in this politically charged season when the potential future leaders of the U.S. are slinging mud at each other and everyone else they can. That stuff plays out over and over again online and it just fuels the hate fire.
I agree, Anne — it’s awful! I really wish people could just talk about why they would be a good candidate, instead of just cutting down their opponents.
I’m a transgender and I know what is like to be bullied to hell.
I guess my savior was my imagination, escaping reality is my way of dealing with confrontation.
A few years ago, I was a hardcore gamer on a mmo. Though sooner or later you just have to come back to reality (if you desire a social life), I did and I’m now together with my boyfriend for three years. He loves me in a way I cannot even love myself. I’m happy.
I try to stay away from social media as much as possible, I feel it’s a waste of time when I’m on it. Sometimes I find something interesting on facebook or youtube, but when I read the comments, I wonder if all those people are so bored or shallow that they waste their time on something which most of the times doesn’t even concern their lives. I wish that many may wake up one day and focus their energy on real problems, but I’m afraid that it’s just human nature to hide or forget your own flaws by pointing your fingers to someone else.
Scarlett, I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. That is horrible.
And I’m so glad you’re in a great relationship now. 🙂
I waste way too much time on social media, and I am trying hard to cut back! Some days I succeed, and others not so much. 🙂 (I don’t really count my blog as social media, though… I always feel later like it was time well spent, which I often can’t say for other social media.)
“I’m afraid that it’s just human nature to hide or forget your own flaws by pointing your fingers to someone else.” That is really well said.
I think the New Testament has Jesus saying, “Before thy cast out the mote in thy brother’s eye, first cast out the mote in thine own eye.”
Yes, exactly.
You tell them, Bryn. There are a lot of lonely and discontented people in the world, but they’re not going to help themselves by being mean to others. We’re all in this together so we need to be kind to one another. That old saying “What goes around comes around” may impact them one day. The next time it comes around it’s liable to kick those nasty people where they sit down. — Suzanne
That’s a really good point — a lot of people who are the most intentional about mocking others are lonely and disconnected, as you say. And I suppose the meanness, in turn, creates more lonely and disconnected people. But maybe kindness can reverse that 🙂
Wonderful post, wonderful message Bryn. Thank you. I will share this post with others.
Thank you so much, Cheryl!
I 100% agree with this. It’s one of the things that troubles me, and, I think, one of the downsides to our increased technology.
Yeah, and I think online connecting is mostly a good thing (you probably know that I think that!) I think we just need to get way better about this. Thanks for commenting, G.G. 🙂
I’ve been bullied online, by people who knew I was suicidal. by my own sister, as well, repeatedly here at home. And I don’t think I’ll be able to come back from the latter.
The online bullying did almost push me over the edge. I had no respite, online or off. In turn, I ended up feeling really angry and bitter, and have lashed out at people. I started to calm down again, some time last year, but the anger is still there. I will never forget the way I was treated.
Angela, I can’t say how sorry I am that you went through that. It is so unfair. You may never forget how you were treated, but I hope in time the bitterness fades, because you deserve to be happy.
I didn’t see this before. Thank you. 🙂 It’s actually happening again. I commented below, with an idea as to why.
Great post, as always. One thing I don’t think people understand (I’m going to use the baseball cap dude as an example) is that sometimes they share something not intending to be mean, but more in the spirit of “Lolz people are stupid sometimes, myself included, and it’s funny”, without it even crossing their mind that OH- that is a REAL DUDE who is going to see his face plastered everywhere as a symbol of bro-ey stupidity, when he may be the nicest guy ever. Like, what if that was your friend? You’d be furious. I have no problem poking fun at how silly/stupid PEOPLE can be, but like, use a cartoon! If it’s not a real person and it’s not mean-spirited, you can make a hilarious joke about the human condition without hurting anyone. But to many people, an anonymous face on the internet doesn’t even register as a “person” so people get unintentionally as well as intentionally hurt. The rampant intentional bullying everywhere on the internet is bad enough, but when you see your friends sharing some meme with a real person in it, knowing they don’t mean any harm, it sucks so badly because you don’t want to be the Debbie Downer on their post, but you also know that if they really thought about it, they would know it was fucked up. Again, I’m using the baseball cap meme as an example because I think many people didn’t think of that as mean-spirited, while things like People of Wal-Mart are CLEARLY mean, horrible bullying (and frequently racist). But sometimes someone snaps a pic and shares it like, haha, this is kind of funny! then all of a sudden it has gone viral and some random dude gets to have his face associated with stupidity forever. It’s not okay. (I have been WAY guilty of this in the past by the way, as the FB “On this day 7 years ago!” feature sometimes reminds me. I am actually glad of the occasional reminder that everyone fucks up until they know better, then I delete and am grateful that I try to no longer be that person)
YES, I’m really glad you added this because I should have talked about that a little bit more. A lot of times, people aren’t really being malicious, but it’s still a drag for the person who had the misfortune of getting a dopey picture of them go viral. I think sometimes it can morph, too — someone starts out with by sharing something in a lighthearted way, and other people who pick it up are like “HERE’S THE BIGGEST IDIOT WHO EVER LIVED.”
And yeah, exactly. It’s so awkward when it’s someone you know and like. I don’t want to sound judgmental.
Yeah, I wanted to be really clear that I’ve made bad decisions about this in the past, too!
Go Girl
Well said! ?
Sometimes one just doesn’t think about the ripples of what is said, the power of words or Internet. Let alone the situation for the target ?
I hope lots of readers pay attention to this
Then again with any luck you are preaching the the converted!
Aw thanks, Janelle! I might be preaching to the converted, here! I am lucky enough to have really smart and kind people read this blog. 🙂
Well said Bryn. Thanks for reminding us all. If you want to get biblical about it
“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” If we cut people some slack hopefully no one will post mean pictures of us.
Jane, exactly. That’s such a simple lesson but so important.
I like the saying, Don’t judge a book by its cover!!! Everyone has a story and unless we know that person we don’t know what they have been through in their lives. I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was young and you wouldn’t know it just to look at me, but I’m dealing with it internally. There is always something beneath the surface that we don’t see unless we are in their shoes. I try to stay open-minded when it comes to people because hey, let’s face it we are all human and I know I have done some stupid things.
CJ, I am so sorry you went through that, and I know that kind of trauma has long-reaching effects — including ones that people don’t always think about. I love that quote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” You never know what people are going through.
Bravo, Bryn, bravo! I think that everyone should be temporarily blocked from using the internet until they have read this post. Then they can be let back on again. I have chided myself on several occasions for being less than encouraging and edifying to others on social media. That’s not the person that I want to be. Sometimes we need a reminder like this to recalibrate our moral compass. Thanks. I’m sharing this one.
Mike, thank you so much! I laughed at “I think that everyone should be temporarily blocked from using the internet until…” I love the way you write.
I was really worried about this sounding preachy, and I hope it was clear that I’ve made plenty of mistakes — tearing down when I could have been building up. So I’m mostly reminding myself.
Thanks for sharing!
Another horrible part of social media is how so many people are posting mean vindictive things about the existing government and presidential candidates. Wouldn’t it be great if people could remember (or develop) their manners, aspire to gentility and understanding, and keep their nasty opinions to themselves? I seriously doubt that anyone has changed their potential vote because of a mean comment they read on Facebook.
I agree so much, Demity. One of the reasons I’m trying to cut back on Facebook is that the vitriol in the political rhetoric is so hard to take. I’m sure it’s natural for emotions to run high in an election year, and I can respect people’s depth of feeling about it, but we can still express it in a more positive way. I’ve seen people actually turn others against their candidate by being too nasty to others.
Thanks for the voice of reason during one of the most disgusting periods in our history.
Thanks, Don. I’ve got to believe we’re going to get better.
I really love what you wrote here! I have certainly been guilty of laughing at memes, sharing them, and scoffing at such pages as the “People of Walmart”. It wasn’t until I read a response from the Southern Poverty Law Center that I realized I was in the wrong for doing so. I’ve always tried to be open minded, especially since my childhood consisted of abuse and bullying, but when I heard my child pass judgement about someone on tv, I knew that I had to help her view people differently. There’s a quote that I’ve seen that mentions not to judge others because we simply don’t know their stories. So that’s what I gently remind her (myself too) when she has a question, or a comment about how an individual may present themselves.
Thanks, Anna! Yeah, the Internet just makes it so easy to be detached. I think it’s so wonderful that you’re raising your daughter to have empathy. You’re making the world a better place. 🙂
I’ve come back to this, because I’m dealing with this from someone on twitter – have done for months, although I wasn’t sure at first. They said at one point, they didn’t know why they didn’t like the person (aka: me), as a subtweet, I guess, but I find it interesting that, rather than unfollow, or just accept that they might be wrong about something or someone, they stick around and look for justification of their feelings, and enjoy being mean.
I’ve also said stupid things before – we all do, and all have things about us at times, that might put someone off whether it’s with good reason or not, as you said. But I don’t stick around and keep making digs at them, or make sure they know that I have a problem, because I know that the small amount of times it’s happened, it isn’t life-threatening, or something, it’s just annoying. I don’t know what I did to incur this stranger’s wrath; I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’ve had suicidal feelings that haven’t gone away – like an instinctual move to attack someone who seems to be weaker, and bringing things down. Which actually sucks. I tend to jump in and defend people, more than I defend myself, which might add to it, but sometimes addressing it directly just escalates it.
Ugh, Angela, that’s ridiculous. And you’re absolutely right. I’ve read a lot about Internet bullies, and unfortunately, they do gravitate toward anyone they perceive as having a weakness… just like bullies in grade school do, I guess!
You were so right not to engage. I basically never fight online… which has annoyed people sometimes, when they really wanted to argue with me! 🙂 But a lot of times, what haters want is attention, and depriving them of it drives them nuts. 🙂
Did you unfollow and block the person on Twitter?