Last week I found out that someone I’m connected to through the Internets had said some pretty negative things about me and my work. When I get negative feedback or treatment, the first thing I do is consider whether I brought it on myself in some way. Sometimes I have, which is no fun to face up to, but it’s better to be aware of it in the end. In this case, I couldn’t think of how it was my doing.
Luckily, I am experienced enough to know that this kind of thing doesn’t matter that much in the long run, personally or professionally. It stung nonetheless, so I decided to not think about it for three days.
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I didn’t complain to my parents or my friends about it, because complaining about something means you have to think about it. I didn’t discuss it with Mr. Donovan over dinner. I didn’t mentally go over what I might like to say to this person.
Whenever it popped up in my head, I said “NOPE” and switched to thinking about something, anything, else–recipes, how snuggly my dogs are, you name it.
I didn’t dwell. Dwell is an interesting word, because it means both “to linger on or emphasize” and “to live in a given place, condition, or state.” When you dwell on upsetting things, you kind of live in them.
After three days, it was easy not to think about it, because I no longer cared.
When I realized that it didn’t even bother me any more, I thought of this piece of writing one of my co-workers did for Hallmark character, Maxine. I remember the day he wrote it, and I have always loved it.
The art of disregarding is one of the best skills a person can have.
Disregarding isn’t particularly fashionable. It’s derided as “denial.” Denial is a bad thing when it comes to abuse, addiction, or other ongoing situations that you need to get yourself out of.
But all of us will have bad things happen to us now and again, and spending a lot of time thinking about them will not stop them from happening. By controlling our own response, we can profoundly limit the negative effect they have on our lives.
As a teenager, I read this Buddhist story, and maybe you’ve read it before. I am not Buddhist, and I do not know the source of the story, but I thought it contained a lot of wisdom. (I am copy and pasting this particular version from Daily Buddhism.)
A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.
Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!
Most of us are not in such dire circumstances, and it should be even easier for us to disregard the bad so we can focus on and enjoy the good.
Sometimes I’ll be seduced into negativity because I think, I have every right to feel angry, or It’s only natural that I would feel bad. But the right question isn’t, What is understandable? But rather, How do I want to spend my day?
The good thing about the brain is that it develops habits. If you always turn away from thinking about the negative stuff, after a while, this becomes a reflex. If you wake up every day and force yourself to spend ten minutes thinking of all of the things you are grateful for, after a long while, you will just wake up feeling happy and grateful. (I can tell you for a fact that this works.)
When something upsetting happens, I have the opportunity to practice ushering it off the center stage of my consciousness. I hope I get better at that all the time.
Thanks for those good insights, Bryn. Helpful.
Thanks, Earl. Thanks for reading!
This is amazing. Thank you, Bryn!
You are too kind. As always!! Thank you 🙂
I really needed this today. I woke up this morning after a particularly upsetting nightmare and it keeps popping into my head and bringing along unhappy friends. Sounds like it’s the perfect time to practice the art of disregarding. Thanks, Bryn. 🙂
Ugh, sorry about the nightmare PJ. I hope that by now it’s dissolved into the ether. I always have to distract myself a lot after a bad dream like that. Thanks for commenting!
This is one of those times where someone unknowingly says something I needed to hear. Great post!
I’m so glad it was well timed, April 🙂 Thanks for reading!
Very wise 🙂 . And the bit about “denial” is spot on. There’s been a bizarre culture shift.
When I was depressed due to health problems, distraction was my natural technique. I used music, books and similar things to divert myself from the unpleasant reality of my health problems. It *worked* – well, as much as anything could. So I was utterly incredulous at most people’s reactions. “You’re doing totally the wrong thing! You’re in denial! You need to face your problems!” According to them, spending hours in deliberate, purposeful thought about my problems would make me feel BETTER.
We’ve developed a culture of psychobabble where the default option is to “confront issues” and “talk about things”, preferably in the “correct” modern language. I think it’s based on a deep misunderstanding of the human condition. Not everything can be articulated, and sometimes to articulate a problem just pays it attention it doesn’t really deserve. 🙂
Oh man Lia, I agree with this so much. The whole idea of figuring out your bad feelings… I don’t know, mine aren’t that complicated. Either something bad happened that made me feel bad, or I’m feeling bad for no reason… either way, pretty simple!
“According to them, spending hours in deliberate, purposeful thought about my problems would make me feel BETTER.” Right? It’s so counter-intuitive, and yet it’s such a popular belief.
Thanks for your great post!
Exactly! I know that some people have complex or buried feelings that need to be picked apart, but mine have always been pretty obvious. I was depressed by the symptoms of a physical illness which interfered with my ability to think and work. The medical profession were twisting it into “your symptoms are caused by depression”, and the self-appointed experts I knew were giving me the “Analyse why you are depressed, then you can confront it” mumbo-jumbo.
I’ve become very cynical – almost a complete nihilist – but the process has also inspired my first NaNoWriMo 🙂 . My rebel manuscript, “But I’m Not Depressed”, is a memoir about my symptoms, the shaking away of my old worldview, and the way I had to reject the “think yourself better” jargon they foisted on me. It’s got social commentary, philosophy and a pile of potent swearing I may or may not pull at the last minute. It’s been fun. 🙂
Great post! Thanks for sharing. I agree that each of us chooses our happiness – unfortunately, too many don’t seem to realize that and/or find their happiness in tormenting others. I not only practice deafness when that type talks, I tend to avoid them, if possible.
Thanks! Yeah, good point — sometimes it’s possible to just avoid the negativity in the first place.
And sometime it is impossible to avoid, but not worth wasting energy on.
Great Post Bryn! I know it’s easier said than done, but better to reach for the strawberry every time.
Easier said than done for sure! I’m hoping with time and practice, it comes a little more naturally. 🙂 Thanks for the kind words, Cheryl!
A wise post. ‘It’ won’t matter in a hundred days, let alone a hundred hours and yes, sometimes denial is the healthy approach. I cope with this type of thing by visualising putting the negative thing in a box, sealing the box and then locking the box away. It works for me 🙂 I also love the wise idea that what others think of me is actually none of my business, and so I can walk on past.
Have a great Christmas and all the best for 2016.
Okay Anne — I love that visualization with the box. A lot. I am totally going to use that!
Have a great Christmas yourself, and a fantastic 2016!
Very nicely written. Simple and concise but you actually say a lot in this post.
Ah thanks Rach. Thank you for reading!
Great post! A lot of my ability to disregard negativity comes from my positivity. When I’m able to, I like to think of the glass half-full instead of half-empty. My mom’s uncanny ability to get under my skin or when people talk while someone’s giving a speech, those things are hard to ignore, but most of the time, I try to think, something good has to come out of this and if I dwell on the bad things too much, I won’t be able to see the good.
Thanks, Lauren! Yeah, I totally agree. Optimism and a habit of positivity can help so much.
I love this last sentence you wrote: “I try to think, something good has to come out of this and if I dwell on the bad things too much, I won’t be able to see the good.”
Thanks for your great comments!
Wise words from a wise woman! Thanks.
Thanks for the kind words, Terry!
Great advise. Thanks!
Aw thanks Erin, thanks for reading!
I love this post. I tend to use this in relationships. If a good friend or my husband has done something that bothers me, I do try to spend a day disregarding it. If it still matters the next day, then I figure out a way to address it. If nothing else, I’m less upset then and the conversation about it can be less reactive and more constructive. Like you said, this isn’t a good idea if there’s some sort of abuse or something going on, but in a healthy relationship, setting aside the normal daily irritations between people and deciding to disregard them can smooth over a lot of things. Spending to much time dwelling on them tends to poison the relationship.
Oh my gosh, yes. It is so helpful in relationships! Early on in my marriage, I felt like it was important to say what was on my mind. Well… not always, it turns out! Great point JA, so glad you brought that up 🙂
lol! Yeah, I’ve learned the whole “speak your mind” advice is really good advice in certain situations, but not so much in others. 🙂
I never understand why people are overly negative. Constructive criticism is always welcome and usefully but there are people who like to build themselves up by knocking others down.
It’s true. Some people who lack self esteem and confidence themselves think that by criticising and berating others makes them look good. It sounds like that green eyed monster “jealousy” so you did the best thing to disregard .(That makes the other person angrier because they realise that you are not interested in whatever they think. In fact they just don’t count.
I was taught “if you can’t say anything good about a person ,don’t say anything.” Many people could do with learning this. But you did right thing. Why let someone else spoil your day?
“That makes the other person angrier because they realise that you are not interested in whatever they think…” I never thought of that, Joan! That’s funny. 🙂 Thanks for reading, and for commenting!
This is wonderfully relatable. I suffer from anxiety attacks, and sometimes I can feel them coming on. They start with over-analising everything until I’m a nervous wreck. Last night I felt it start and forced myself to enjoy just stroking my dog, I ripped the negative thoughts out – like you said “NOPE”. It works. When you deny your circumstances from ruing your mood, the day takes on new meaning.