Last summer I read How To Win Friends and Influence People, a classic by Dale Carnegie (which I talked about in my July Recommended Reads post.) A lot of the book talks about things that you know are true, but sort of forget to put into practice. (And by “you,” I mean me, of course.)
HTWFAIP starts out in a pretty radical fashion, however, by claiming that it is pointless to criticize anyone for anything. In a later chapter, “You Can’t Win an Argument,” Carnegie explains why he thinks that “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.
Mr Donovan and I rarely fight, and we have gotten much better about working through disagreements. We have a rule that you can’t broaden the scope of the discussion by bringing up past stuff, i.e. “not only did you do this thing I object to, but you did something similar to this eight months ago.”
As I mentioned in my “secrets to a happy marriage” post, when we both have hurt feelings, we often postpone talking about it at all until we’re calmer. At that point, it’s more of a talk than an argument.
I used to argue on Facebook and in other places online, and now I almost never do. With a new year almost upon us, I’m vowing to stop altogether. When has anyone on the internet ever convinced me of a different opinion? Maybe twice in my whole life? Those are terrible odds.
While I’m at it, I’m putting a moratorium on political posts and tweets, unless there’s a big positive thing I want to cheer about (the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage, for example). I get upset about certain issues, but let’s face it: lecturing my Facebook friends is a poor excuse for action, such as writing to my Congressperson or donating to a cause I believe in.
Sometimes I’ve gotten into personal arguments on Facebook because I’m defending someone else. It goes like this:
1. My FB friend posts something.
2. One of their FB friends says something derogatory about this post.
3. I show up and tell their FB friend that they’re being mean.
A better way to handle it, though, is this:
1. My FB friend posts something.
2. One of their FB friends says something derogatory about this post.
3. Ignoring the other person, I tell my FB friend their post is awesome.
In FB private groups (I belong to approximately one thousand), I’ve successfully avoided arguments by preemptively blocking people. Lots of people only block someone as a last resort, after they’ve been hurt or harangued by the individual. If I see right away that someone is disrespectful to others or loves to sow discord, I block that person and save myself the trouble.
Inevitably, I hear about awful drama the person causes later, but I’m not sucked up into it. (Just this morning I heard about another instance of this.)
There are a few situations in which I still think it makes sense to confront a person directly. If someone around me says something racist, for instance, I call them on it (even if she’s a stranger in the locker room.) In a situation like this, I only have two choices. I can make it seem like it’s fine and normal to say such things, or I can make it clear that it’s unacceptable. I choose the latter.
But about 99% of the time, I think avoiding outright arguments is the way to go. Persuasion is fine, but fighting just makes everyone feel bad.
What do you think? How do you deal with arguing, online and in real life?
I handle potentially problematic personalities much the same way you are now doing. I also use the unfollow button 😉
It saves so much trouble! ~ Thanks for reading, as always 🙂
You always have interesting ideas on your blog 😉 Thanks for taking to time to put your thoughts/feelings into words.
I am with you. There are very few subjects on which I feel confident arguing anyway, and most of them are esoteric, academic subjects. I have had a couple moments recently when people in various Facebook groups said incendiary things, and I had to remind myself that I probably wouldn’t win an argument with them, at least not if I engaged while my emotions were running so high. Let the people who enjoy and are more skilled with debate handle that.
Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you mentioned that, Kimberly. Not that many of us have your self-awareness!
A few times I have posted comments online, and then immediately deleted them after thinking, “Wait… I don’t actually know what I’m talking about.” 🙂 I’m not an expert on much, and most issues are more complicated than people like to pretend in Internet debates…
I love this post so hard
Thank you for putting a lot of things into perspective for me
I know it’s hard, downright difficult to bite one’s tongue many times, but it is the best route to take, most of the time.
I especially like the part where you said that there’s been only a few instances where someone has actually changed your opinion online, so really it’s pointless trying to argue a point with someone.
And yes, FB trolls abound unfortunately, but I’m definitely taking your positive approach to reinforcement instead of choosing the path of direct conflict
PS I also preemptively block outright troublemakers, works a treat!
Thanks for the kind words Louis, and thanks for commenting! I can be passionate and impulsive, so it’s been a big learning curve for me 🙂
Such a timely post. I beleve what we put out into the universe (especially the universe of social media) will come back on us. I try to keep things positive. ?
You and I feel the same way about that, Diana. You do get what you give!
This is definitely a problem during political season, especially now with a certain candidate that has turned arguing with false information into a political platform. I know I can’t sway most people from who they have already decided to vote for, but most of the political discussion right now seems to revolve around prejudice and my whole life I was taught to stand up against that. I used to have a friend in high school who was essentially as politically opposite of me as possible, but we had fun debating each other and forcing each other to challenge our own beliefs. In this political environment, that’s almost impossible and it’s problematic. If we never challenge what we believe and only listen to people who agree with us, we can’t grow as people. There’s a huge difference between debating and arguing and I wish we could get back to debating. Our whole country is based on this idea of being united and “E pluribus unum,” but that whole idea is dying.
Oh yeah, it is tricky. As I say, I will always check bigotry and hate speech — even if I can’t change someone’s mind immediately, I can let them know it’s unwelcome. (Fortunately, I don’t encounter it all that often.) I think there are a lot of positive ways, too, to say not “here’s where you’re wrong” but rather “here are my ideals.”
You are so right, but it is SO HARD. I am constantly fighting my personality, which has always been a bit fiery (hellooooo Scorpio) and over and over again I get frustrated with myself for taking the bait. But I’ve deleted so many people, and I think I’m getting better. I used to jump in on the reg, and now it takes a pretty extreme comment or situation before I’ll speak up (on OTHER people’s posts, not my OWN wall, which you know is always a political shit-show, haha). You are a wise woman, my friend.
Seems like you are channeling so much of your passion and fire into your awesome writing lately! And I love your intensity. It’s your superpower. (And superpowers can always be a little unwieldy, right?)
You are the actual best. ❤️
My spouse has a very confrontational and then stone silence fighting style. She’ll let me have it then she doesn’t want to talk about it, will sulk for half a day or so and then never wants to bring it up ever again. I like to talk things out right as they occur. There’s been no happy medium. Fortunately, we don’t fight often but, when something starts to bubble, I just let her get the yelling out and then I walk away. There’s no point. If she has a valid point, I’ll redo what I’ve done, apologize, etc. If she’s wrong, I’ll continue the way I was in the first place and she’ll just, when she gets into the ‘never speak of it again cycle’ just ignore it like it never happened. I’ve learned, over 8 years together to accept this, take it in stride and to never expect an apology if she’s the one whose wrong. Life’s too short.
Online, I don’t bother to get into the arguments especially where they deal with politics or religion. You can’t change anyone’s mind. Everyone just goes on and on until no one is listening at all, they’re just all typing madly to make their next point.
One thing that really gets me online is the people that air their personal business/family fights/dirty laundry and fight it out over social media. I have family members that think this is acceptable behavior. They’ll have complete strangers (online friends only) taking sides. In author groups I belong to I see this happening too. (I’m thinking about one in particular where a certain author is not happy with her publisher). I just don’t get why people do this.
You’re a wise woman, Anne. And yeah — I find it strange that when families or couples fight on social media!
I used to avoid confrontation all together, even when I knew someone was being racist or obviously offensive. I’ve changed since then and I’m much more ready to call someone out (especially when they’re being racist or offensive), but I usually only do that when I know the person isn’t a lost cause. For example, when I read an article of The Washington Post, I rarely ever scroll down to read the comments because they usually make me go mad, but also because I feel like I’m powerless in changing some people’s convictions. I do, however, comment when I see someone is misinformed or when I think I can show that person another point-of-view. If the other person responds poorly, then I abandon ship because I know I’ll get an aneurysm if I keep it up. Avoiding conflict is usually the best way to stay happy haha but it is sometimes necessary.
Someone on etsy used to sell necklaces that read “never read the comments.” Brilliant. 🙂 And yeah, that’s a good point — if someone just doesn’t have all the information, it’s good to share it, in a way that doesn’t make them feel dumb.
Interesting post as always! I really wish more people refrained from arguing online except occasionally or with strong cause–like you pointed out, it rarely changes minds. I’m pretty conflict avoidant in real life, though, so am probably biased that way. But at the very least, I wish people treated online arenas like they were face-to-face!
Thanks, G.G.! Thanks for reading 🙂
People are so much less decent online… but I’m really hoping that’s something that can change with time.
This is something I have learned as I grow older – to choose my battles wisely and to bite my tongue – especially on Facebook – it’s not always I can control it, but most of the time and my life is much easier without getting into heated arguments. I agree with lovethismadness’ comment that there is a difference between arguing and debating – unfortunately debating requires egos and tempers to stay in check, which people online have a hard time with
This is something I have been thinking about A LOT lately. There are a lot of social justice activists who post and advocate and argue and engage daily. They see a utility to that, and so do I. They are helping set the rules for what is and isn’t acceptable as a social norm. People find out if they say something racist, there will be a shit storm. As a result, people learn what they can’t say freely without push back. Hopefully it improves our public spaces. As a society there are racist, sexist homophobic people out there fighting to demean others and we have to show up too.
However, I HATE engaging with awful people and I don’t enjoy debate at all on the whole. It drains me. It makes me discouraged about the state of humanity. I know I won’t change anyone’s mind. People decide what they believe based on their own visceral and emotional reactions. Facts are irrelevant. They filter out anything that would contradict what they believe, and they follow blogs, shows, commentator that back them up. It is TOTALLY USELESS to engage with antagonistic, rude, or clueless people. We will never agree or change each other. We just have to respectively fight for our values. Show up at the polls, donate to our advocacy organizations, volunteer our time, support others, and do our part to improve our communities.
But I doubt my approach all the time. Should I be more loud? More discreet? Should I say less? More? I suppose it depends on the day. But I DO ignore, hide, and defriend well before I engage people I find offensive/heinous on facebook or twitter 99% of the time. That’s the one thing I know to do.