Yesterday, Mr. Donovan and I celebrated an anniversary. Like any couple who’s been together for a very long time, we’ve been through some challenges. We are happier together than ever, and I thought I’d write about why, the way some other bloggers have done.
I do know that in a lot of ways, I’m just plain lucky to have married the right person. I’m not one of those people who looks at divorced people and goes, Oh, I guess I tried and you didn’t. That’s ridiculous. And if you are divorced, I really believe that what you learned already can lead to an amazingly happy marriage in the future, if that’s what you want for yourself.
Anyway, here’s what’s working for us!
1. We don’t tell each other what to do.
This is the huge one. Both of us happen to really hate being bossed around, so we try not to do it to each other.
I’ve always been mystified by people who drag their unwilling spouse to a party or a church service, or try to get them to load the dishwasher or do the laundry their way. Sure, once in a while there will be some issue we’ll discuss, but for the most part, I let him do his thing, and he lets me do mine.
When I donated a kidney last year, Mr. Donovan was pretty against it, because he worried about whether I’d be okay. He knew that we both get to decide things for ourselves, though, so he gave me nothing but support.
I think trying to change another person is just a huge, draining effort. I’m not sure it’s ever worth it to try. It’s hard enough to change yourself — and changing yourself is a lot more rewarding.
2. We’re in the habit of kindness.
I think in any long-term relationship, you establish patterns that are hard to break. If you’re frequently sarcastic or negative, for instance, sarcasm or negativity will come out of your mouth almost automatically. Mr. Donovan and I have gotten into a habit of saying nice things to each other. We say “I love you” more than once a day. We compliment each other. We’re nice about each other’s interests, even when we don’t share them.
He is, to be honest, much better at it than I am. When I’m sitting on the couch in sweat pants, wearing my glasses, with unwashed hair, he’ll tell me I look beautiful. He tells other people with a straight face, “She’s the best writer at our company.” But I’ve learned a lot from him over the years, so I’m okay at being kind, too. It’s become our default setting.
3. We’re each other’s best, best friend.
Mr. Donovan and I don’t confide in anyone else even 10% as much as we confide with each other. I have exactly zero secrets from him. Friends are wonderful to have, and necessary, but I’ve seen other people’s relationships suffer when both spouses start to tell other people their deepest feelings instead of talking them out with each other.
To a large extent, Mr. Donovan and I are in our own little world…but I kind of love it that way.
And here’s something we’re working on… postponing arguments.
Geez, it took us forever to figure this one out. We rarely fight, but when we do, it’s miserable and we hate it. So when we’re both really upset about something, we’re trying to wait a while and talk about it later. By then, we usually have a handle on what exactly was bothering us in the first place.
I’d love to hear about other people’s tips for keeping a relationship happy and positive. Thanks for reading!
Congratulations! You’re so right – marriage is hard. When there are problems in a marriage I think there is more judgement from people who have never been married than there is from those who are or have been married. Until you’re in the trenches – you have no idea!
Sr. Jones and I have been married 21 years. About 10 years ago we went through an incredibly difficult time – including a seven month separation. We both knew we still wanted to be married to each other, but we had a lot to work on, individually and as a couple.
All the things you have mentioned are spot on. Another one for us has been learning to be 100% honest with each other. We learned that we can’t have a healthy and happy marriage if we are keeping things from each other. Before our separation, we’d lost our trust in each other. It took a long time to gain it back and it’s something we never want to lose, again.
We’re also very busy people and know we have to make a conscious effort to make time for each other – be that a dinner out or watching a movie together.
<3 I'm sorry you ever went through such a tough time, but I think it's so great that you came through it and learned so much and rebuilt that trust. It's fantastic!
And yeah, good point – time together is so important. We both work full time, and for me, it's so to get so wrapped up in my projects in my spare time…,but I don't want to become so absorbed that I forget to have fun with my honey. 🙂
Thanks for reading, and thank you so much for commenting!
Everyone who is married, or wants to be married, should read this. All excellent!
For me and my hubby, another important thing is the fact that we are definitely not jealous, possessive types. He’s allowed to have female friends and hang out with them without me there to supervise, and I’m allowed to have guy friends without him there to supervise. We TRUST each other implicitly.
The other thing that works really well for us, is that we both get alone time. He always gives me time to go off and write alone, to have a Girls’ Weekend Out, or even to travel without him, and I always give him time to do stuff like go fishing alone, or go camping with his friends, or travel without me. We love spending time together, but we also get some time to do what we like on our own, without any hurt feelings or insecurity.
This is a great post! As always. 🙂
Aw, thanks for the kind words! That’s so true – jealousy and possessiveness can just ruin everything. I don’t think I’m that way naturally, which is lucky!
Congratulations!
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 14 years now. Here’s what works for us:
When we start to fight or get on each other’s nerves we both stop what we’re doing and go out to eat. If we still feel angry after the meal, we talk it out.
He and I have noticed over the years that we have a tendency to get cranky when our blood sugars are low and/or we’re overheated. A nice meal in an air conditioned restaurant where we’re forced to be civil and keep our voices down has headed off more arguments than I can count. Fortified with a good meal, we can then determine if the things that are bugging us are really fight-worthy (as opposed to discussion-worthy).
Once we figured this out, we stopped having bad fights. And on really hot days we both resolve to be extra careful with each other.
I love this! I do it for my kids, why not myself and husband?
Why do I never think about the relationship between hunger and crankiness in my adult self? Now that I think about it, being tired/sleepy is probably often a factor, too. This is so smart. “And on really hot days we both resolve to be extra careful with each other”–that is brilliant.
I so agree with all this. Re: No. 1, I’ve noticed other marriages in which the spouses tell each other what/how to do, and it always baffles me. I think there’s a certain amount of respect underlying the idea that we do as we choose, and I wonder if that is present in marriages in which one or both spouses have specific expectations for each other. I’ve definitely had to learn this, but it works when we both assume that we are both doing our best so support ourselves, each other, and our children, and to meet all of our needs. Wow, when I put it this way, it sounds like a tall order, but that’s why it’s still easy (or at least possible) to be appreciative when we don’t fulfill any particular expectations.
I never thought about that regarding expectations, but it makes sense. I bet it’s easy for people to hold ideas about what a wife or husband is supposed to do, and never even examine them… and then get upset when the other person is going off script.
Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting!
My husband and I have been married over 35 years and our marriage sounds much like yours. We both hate conflict–maybe that’s our secret.:)
Congratulations on 35 years! But I’m looking at your photo, and uh… did you get married when you were 5 years old, or something?!
Yeah. Talking through a disagreement is fine and sometimes necessary, but real fights are awful. We try to avoid them!
🙂 You made my day. We have our disagreements/squabbles like any couple but ugly, name-calling-throw-things-threaten-divorce fights? Nah.
I didn’t know Mr. Donovan that well in grad school, but his kindness–and his basic decency, which I think his kindness is a product of–were among the traits I couldn’t help but notice. You are both lucky indeed.